The Extraordinary Voyages of Cap'n Basil Blackheart and his Motley Crew
The Crimson Revenge
After what had seemed like an unreal ordeal, I finally took a deep breath and exhaled slowly letting the angst wash off me.
Then the reality dawned on me;
Where the flip were we, and how the heck were we going to get home?
This was only the beginning of our troubles and then, just when I thought it couldn't get any wurse, we were all roused out of our shock by the sudden and violent shaking of the trees on the nearby beach as a horrifically loud trumpeting blare reverberated around the cove.
It sent shivers down me timbers and rattled me draws.
Smooch was trembling as he asked. "Basil what on earth was that?"
I stared at the beach watching the trees intently, and I swear I saw a column of black smoke swirl just out of the tree line before it disappeared into the dense jungle.
I swallowed hard, and tried to keep my voice steady. "Smooch I think it was monkeys!" I lied.
We moored The Crimson Revenge in the secluded cove, and headed for dry land in the row boat. At furst glance it appeared rather idyllic, but from past experience, I knew about things that seemed too good to be true, in other wurds they usually wurn't!
Humphrey, Amber and Posie stayed aboard The Crimson Revenge, as from past experience I've found it most prudent to always leave some crew put while mew go exploring, as mew neffur know what might be waiting on board to surprise mew when mew get back. Plus they could start the clean up, Humphrey needed something to keep him occupied before he found the nip stash and fell back into his nip coma.
"Hmmmmm.... seems pleasant enough!" I commented, ambling onto the soft silky sand and taking in the relaxing tropical island vibe, obviously looking fur the best local fur my hammock.
It was at that precise moment the terrifying, blaring trumpeting sound began again, and the beach shook beneath our paws as a huge column of black smoke rose above the tree-line. There was the awful sound of fully grown trees snapping and splintering as though they were mere twigs, and I gulped.
"Run fur cover!" I shouted and headed off in the opposite direction to the noise.
"Darn it! Darn it and double darn it!" I muttered angrily, although I couldn't blame them as it felt like an earthquake. I took out my supurr compact telescope and extended it fully, scanning the the tree-line from my hiding place. Smooch suddenly popped up between the lower rocks and scared the bejezus out of me.
"Pssst! Psssst!" he whispered urgently.
"What the flip?"I said nearly jumping our of my fur, launching the telescope skywards. "Where the heck did mew come from?"
He gave me his bestest cheeky grin. "I was hot on your heels, all the way, mew don't think I'm going to be missing out on any of the action do mew?"
I shook my head in utter dismay, catching the falling spyglass in my paw and wishing that Smooch had been in the rowing boat too. "Of course not!" I replied with mild annoyance as I lifted it to my eye again and began to survey the jungle.
The noise had stopped abruptly as it had started, but then as I followed the length of the beach, I spied the black smoke emerging from the dense tree-line and out into full view on the beach.
I swallowed hard. "Get down Smooch!" I hissed as I ducked behind the rocks.
The smoke swirled and spiralled in a most devilish and unnatural way that it made my blood run cold as I peeked out not daring to take my eyes from it, and right now if it came our way we'd have no choice but to run fur the jungle, and running into an unknown jungle blindly is one of the most stupid things mew could effur do.
"Smooch," I whispered as a crazy idea came to me. "If that thing comes our way, I'll distract it and mew head fur Snowie and Parsley, ok?"
"But..." he protested rather vehemently. "Mew said it was only monkeys!"
"No buts, and I lied about the monkeys... we have no idea what that thing is or what it can do! I answered firmly. "Now that's an order!"
He hung his head, muttering several unspeakables under his breath but then gave me a brief nod.
"Good, now keep low." I said as a crawled through the sand fur a better look.
The black smoke had almost reached the waters edge when it suddenly started to grow bigger, denser and swirled faster and faster, like a mini tornado.
"Leaping leprechauns!" I shuddered and pondered the possibilities.
Just as I had begun to formulate a plan, a glowing sphere burst from the swirling black smoke and it was followed by the most unbelievable thing I'd effur seen. Blue sparks of electricity filled the cloud, there was a brief implosion of searing aqua light, and then I was rendered totally speechless.
The glowing sphere landed in the shallows with a splosh and newly visible huge, grey beast took a tentative step to the oceans edge.
I rubbed my eyes in disbelief, then I double checked through the telescope, and this is exactly what I saw...
"Wow, now that's furry impressive!" I murmured as I approached the softly lapping water about 20 feet away and then stuck my sword into the sand by some rocks.
I edged closer and sat down on the warm sand, it felt really good and fur an instant, images of monster sized litter boxes filled my mind. [Don't ask me why, as I'm also furry perplexed at this!]
A few minutes passed and nothing happened, finally I cleared my throat rather noisily and the Heffle-lump stared straight at me, unblinking with no tell of what it might do. Having absolutely nothing to lose at this point, I lifted a paw, waved in a non threatening manner and said in a right propurr polite manner. "Greetings oh great jewelled beast!"
It stared at me and said nothing.
"Sprecken ze Anglish?" I tried.
"Parle vous de Engle-ish?" I asked.
"Hablas Espanol-eeez?" I purrsevered.
Finally, with nothing left to lose, I tried classic 16th century pirate. "Arrrrrrr, me hearty beast, do ye be understanding me... arrrrrr?"
It's trunk shot up and it trumpeted so loudly I thought my ears would fall off. Then it spoke, its voice was deep and resonating. "Arrrrrr me hearty little one, I understand thee very well!"
Flip me side-ways, roll me in treacle and sprinkle cinnamon sugar all offur me, I couldn't believe it, the Heffle-lump understood.
"Arrrrrrr, I be Cap'n Basil Blackheart," I said. "And that be me beautiful ship, The Crimson Revenge." I pointed out into the bay at the battered excuse fur a sea-wurthv vessel. "Me and me scurvy crew, ran into a mighty rum storm 'n ended up on this fair 'n pleasant shore... arrrrrr."
The Heffle-lump seemed to digest this information and then replied. "That be the Tempest o' thee Ill Winds that brung ye to me shore, ye'll here for some time as that be the way o' thee storm."
It was my turn to digest the information. "How long exactly... arrrrrr?"
"It be hard to tell," answered the Heffle-lump. "Could be o' day, could be o' year, could be longer still... if ye survive... me name be Horice, I be the last Keeper o' thee Secret Pagoda."
I glanced at Smooch several times to see him on more than one of these occasions waving his paws about like a loony, it took a moment and then I realised he was using semaphore signals and watched him more closely.
Deciphering his message, I replayed it in my mind. 'Basil get the flip out of there, there's an army of pygmy tortoise's just o'ways up the beach...' [the wurd pygmy's took some getting I might add].
I gave Smooch the thumbs up [as best a cat can do thumbs up] and spoke again. "Arrrrrr Horice me hearty heffle-lump, me crew mate, Peg-Leg Smooch who be hiding like a big-gurls-blouse behind them rocks o'er yonder says we 'av company in the guise of a posse o' pygmy tortoise's, what do ye know of these small, shelled folk...arrrrrr?
Horice's eyes bulged and he glanced offur his shoulder towards the furry, unimaginably slow but neffur the less approaching, relentless hoard.
"Cap'n Basil, we be 'aving a problem," he said rather worriedly. "They be a deadly hoard o' ravenous, pygmy cannibal tor-tye, we should be skedaddling smartly before they get o'er here 'o they'll be picking our bones clean in no time!"
I stared in utter amazement at the army of green armoured shells, painted in brightly coloured yellow, blue and white pigment closing the gap between us in eye-watering slowness and burst out laughing.
"Horice, ye be jesting me, pulling me rigging aye?"
Horice shook his head solemnly. "Nay Cap'n Basil, they be the most devious, menacing little blighter's, savvy?"
I shook my head.
"They do thee approaching real slow like, lulling ye into a false security, then at thee last few yards while ye be laughing ye boots off at thee absurdity of it, thee charge at speed ye'll no'er see coming and before ye know it, ye'll be trussed up tighter than a wench in a bodice at thee Inn of Ill Repute and be on ye way to thee pot for o'boilin'!"
I tipped me hat back, and scratched me, sorry, my head in sheer perplexment as I carefully monitored the progress of the advancing hoard. I wandered to my sword and pulled it free of the sand and turned to face Horice.
"What do ye suggest to solve this puzzling predicament... arrrrrrr? I asked.
Horice glanced over his shoulder again, trumpeted really loudly and screamed, "RUN YE SCALLYWAGS... RUN!"
At the precise moment the shelled army began to speed up.
The questions are piling up at a rate of knots, such as:
Where the flip are mew?
What the heck is a Heffle-lump?
And really, pygmy cannibal tor-tye's? REALLY?
Again, where the flip are mew?
Are mew and the crew going to be tasty delicacies fur an army of graffiti covered tortoises?
How will mew outrun this new threat?
How fast do they run, seriously?
Can they swim too?
Like seriously, OMC, this is seriously serious!OMC this is wurse than 'LOST' they only had polar bears to deal with!
What other threats lurk on this seemingly idyllic island?
* * *