My other Professional Credits include:
Touchy Feely Therapy or T.F.T
Purrfume Aroma Treatment or P.A.T
Dr Basil ~ helping mew to solve all your Pet Peeves, Purrsonal Problems and Desperate Dilemmas, no matter how great or small they may be.
I use only the very latest techniques, some of which I have developed myself over my long and esteemed career, which include:
Nom Zen ~The Art of Nomming in Total Tranquility
YogiCat Meditation ~ Stretches and Breathing Techniques for the Severely Stressed & Overworked
Intense CatNip Therapy ~ This treatment speaks for itself (I find it very beneficial)
To help you release all your stresses and worries just drop by my new clinic held here every Saturday or, alternatively email me your problem and I'll answer here, if mew require to remain anonymous or anon, purrlease include that in your email.
Mew can contact me directly at the following address:
Dear Dr Basil,
Purrlease can mew help me? I'm despurrate! I'm an only cat and my hooman has gone and got herself a boyfriend (the absolute nerve of it!) and this is severely cutting into 'my time' and 'my purrsonal needs' ~ what should I do?
Yours having nearly lost all hope of ever regaining the upper paw and getting rid of this usurper and interloper once and fur all!
Mew York City
I hear what mew are saying and this is not an uncommon problem, hooman gets new hooman furriend, new relationship interferes and upsets the dynamic and status quo in the previously purrfect home environment. Your fur is severely ruffled, pat's are on ration and your zen harmonies have been shamelessly disharmonied.
Mew are obviously furry upset by this 'interloper' as mew call him and what a fitting description. So first we must address the root cause of your hooman feeling the need to get a new furriend, have you been neglecting your duties as Cat of the House? If so then we need to delve deeper, but if not, I recommend this course of action to help take back your purrsonal power or P.P.:
1. When hooman and interloper are together always make sure you get on your hoomans knee and put bottom end towards interloper, stretch up with bottom always facing interloper, make a big show of it.
2. If they are engaging in any type of hooman bonding sit there for a few moments and use your most intense penetrating stare. When they realise they are being watched, take this as your cue to get in-between them and settle down on your hooman purring as noisily as mew can - DO NOT hesitate - Keeping yourself stationed firmly and resolutely between them.
3. When they are eating always go for the interlopers plate, sit on table and edge closer until mew are within striking distance, lunge and grab whatever is nearest on the plate (Do not ever take steaming hot food and make sure that's it's not spicy hot either, using the Spicy Smell Test.) If all is fine to proceed - Nom on it really loudly, if what you grabbed is not to your liking spit it out and walk off in utter distaste, showing him your rear end.
4. If the interloper ever makes any sudden movements towards mew, cry out like he's hurt mew and cry very loudly so your hooman hears, flop on your side and pretend to injured. Your hooman should start to doubt the motives of her new furriend if you do this enough.
5. When the interloper tries to be nice towards mew and wants to pat you, hiss, screech and wail, hackles up, back arched, tail brushed out as big as you can make it and then bounce very gently up and down on your paws, like he's an evil scary monster. This will also make your hooman question the interlopers intentions further.
6. Always sleep on the pillow the interloper likes, even if this is not your usual 'Z Spot' make it yours for the duration of this campaign. If the interloper tries to remove you, flick your claws out and cling on to everything: Bed Covers, Duvets, Blankets or whatever and don't forget to cry out loudly, as if in acute pain. At this point, if done correctly, your hooman should rush to your side admonishing the interloper severely.
Usually by this stage, the interloper will have got the message, conceded defeat and deemed your hooman as a crazy cat lady and left with his tail between his legs. However, there are some quite resilient interlopers and this is where the next steps come into play.
7. When he stays overnight, if he's the type to leave his clothes on the floor or on a chair, make sure that at some stage mew get your furry body all over them, releasing as much cat fur and dander as possible, an amount that takes days to fully remove. If the interloper has allergies this is wonderful and highly beneficial in your campaign..
8. If all of the above have failed, there is only one thing left to do, pee on the interloper, back up and directly spray him, mark him and make him yours. Spray his man bag, if he has one, just pee on everything that's his and go for full saturation. Mew can then decide what course of action to take after this, as there will be one of three possible outcomes:
(I will be holding a Webinar in 'How to Successfully Wrangle Multi-Hooman Households Purrfectly' in the coming months, for those that find it difficult, sometimes intense and slightly overwhelming - Stay tuned for the date)
Kevin, I do hope that the Saturday Solution has helped mew and if mew require any further consultations, purrlease don't hesitate to MEOW me!
Yours most sincerely
@ The Saturday Solution Clinic T.M.