Bionic Basil® home of Basil and The B Team

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Happy Monday, furry floofers

Today I thought I'd revive my old Saturday Solutions post under the new banner of Cats Have Purroblems Too, where I give epically epic advice to cats with dilemmas too great for them to solve alone.

And if mew're wondering why mew haven't heard of this before, well dearest furiends this is a regular segment I ran many years ago, and I think most of the original posts are now archived.

Also, mew may be pondering on what my professional credentials are, so purrlease purruse the list below:

Ph.D. in Kitty Psychology & Psychiatry

BSc (Hons) Headology

Psy.D. Furry Logic

MS. Fuzzy Logic

MA. Common Sense

My other Professional Credits include:

NOM Master
Snoozy Savant
Purr Master

AdvoCat of T.L. Treatment
Touchy Feely Therapy or T.F.T
Purrfume Aroma Treatment or P.A.T.

I can help mew to solve all your Pet Peeves, Purrsonal Problems and Despurrate Dilemmas, no matter how great or small they may be.

Plus, I only use the very latest techniques, some of which I have developed myself over my long and esteemed career, which include:

Purr Therapy ~ For Uptight and Particularly Stressed Kitties

Nom Zen ~The Art of Nomming in Total Tranquility

ZZZ's Snooze Sensation ~ Including Mewsical CatNap Sessions tailored to your purrsonal requirements

YogiCat Meditation ~ Stretches and Breathing Techniques for the Severely Stressed & Overworked

Intense CatNip Therapy ~ This treatment speaks for itself (I find it very beneficial)

I am also an AdvoCat of Tough Love coupled with a healthy dose of common kitty sense

Purrfume Aroma Treatment ~ A Sensory Smelling Session S.S.S. to calm and soothe with highly aromatic blends of specially selected scents

To help mew release all your stresses and worries just drop by my clinic held here or, alternatively email me your purroblem, and I'll answer here. If mew require to remain anonymous or anon, purrlease include that in your email.

Mew can contact me directly at the following address:

DearDrBasil (at) gmail (dot) com

So come and sit on my supurr comfy couch, reee-lax, breathe deeply and tell me of your troubles, as I'm ready, willing and able to help.

Cats Have Purroblems Too with Dr Basil @BionicBasil® Find A Comfy Spot on The Couch

This is one of my latest cases via email:

Dear Dr Basil,

Purrlease can mew help me? I'm despurrate! I'm an only cat, and my hooman has gone and got herself a boyfriend (the absolute nerve of it!), and this is severely cutting into 'my time' and 'my purrsonal needs' ~ what should I do?

Yours having nearly lost all hope of ever regaining the upper paw and getting rid of this usurper and interloper once and fur all!

Kevin GingerChops
Mew York City
U.S.A.

This is my Expert Reply

(Notice how I use a calming blue text colour to soothe Kevin's frayed furry nerves)

Dear Kevin

I hear what mew are saying, and this is not an uncommon problem; hooman gets new hooman furriend. The new relationship then interferes and upsets the dynamic and status quo in the previously purrfect home environment. Your fur is severely ruffled, pats are on ration, and your zen harmonies have been shamelessly disharmonied.

Mew are obviously furry upset by this 'interloper' as mew call him, and what a fitting description. So first, we must address the root cause of your hooman feeling the need to get a new furriend. Have mew been neglecting your duties as Cat of the House? If so, then we need to delve deeper, but if not, I recommend this course of action to help take back your purrsonal power or P.P.:

1.   When your hooman and the interloper are together, always make sure you get on your hoomans lap and put your bottom end towards the interloper, stretch up with your bottom always facing the interloper, and make a big show of it. And if mew can drop a fart or two do so, the silent but deadly ones are best. The really gag-inducing invisi-clouds are best.

2.   If they are engaging in any type of hooman bonding, sit there for a few moments and use your most intense penetrating stare. When they realise they are being watched, take this as your cue to get in-between them and settle down on your hooman purring as noisily as mew can - DO NOT hesitate - Keeping yourself stationed firmly and resolutely between them.

3.   When they are eating, always go for the interloper's plate, sit on the table and edge closer until mew are within striking distance, lunge and grab whatever is nearest on the plate (Do not ever take steaming hot food and make sure that's it's not spicy hot either, using the Spicy Smell Test.) If all is fine to proceed - Nom on it really loudly. If what you grabbed is not to your liking, spit it out and walk off in utter distaste, showing him your rear end.

4.   If the interloper ever makes any sudden movements towards mew, cry out like he's hurt mew and cry very loudly, so your hooman hears, flop on your side and pretend to be injured. Your hooman should start to doubt the motives of her new furriend if you do this enough.

5. When the interloper tries to be friendly towards mew and wants to pat you, hiss, screech and wail, hackles up, back arched, tail brushed out as big as you can make it and then bounce very gently up and down on your paws, like he's an evil scary monster. This will also make your hooman question the interloper's intentions further.

6.   Always sleep on the pillow the interloper likes. Even if this is not your usual 'Z Spot', make it yours for the duration of this campaign. If the interloper tries to remove you, flick your claws out and cling on to everything: Bed Covers, Duvets, Blankets or whatever, and don't forget to cry out loudly, as if in acute pain. At this point, if done correctly, your hooman should rush to your side, admonishing the interloper severely.

Usually, by this stage, the interloper will have got the message, conceded defeat and deemed your hooman as a crazy cat lady and left with his tail between his legs. However, there are some quite resilient interlopers, and this is where the next steps come into play.

7.   When he stays overnight, if he's the type to leave his clothes on the floor or on a chair, make sure that at some stage mew get your furry body all over them, releasing as much cat fur and dander as possible, an amount that takes days to entirely remove. If the interloper has allergies, this is wonderful and highly beneficial in your campaign.

8.   If all of the above have failed, there is only one thing left: pee on the interloper, back up and directly spray him, mark him and make him yours. Spray his man bag, if he has one, just pee on everything that's his and go for full saturation. Mew can then decide what course of action to take after this, as there will be one of three possible outcomes:

a) He will leave instantly in total disgust and reeking of your stinking acid pee.

b) He will try to grab and scold mew like a lunatic; he may even try to rub your nose in it. Now everyone knows this is an entirely futile exercise and only works on the cute doggies, and also, your hooman won't like this one bit. She should show him the door and kick him to the curb faster than mew can say, 'Give me yummy Noms!'

c) Mew will have got yourself another hooman to dote on mew and your every whim, and what's better than one hooman? That would be two hoomans at your command but only take option C if mew know you handle two at once. If mew have any doubt, steer towards A or B.

(I will be holding a Webinar on 'How to Successfully Wrangle Multi-Hooman Households Purrfectly' in the coming months for those who find this living situation complex, sometimes intense and slightly overwhelming - Stay tuned for the date).

Kevin, I do hope that your Cats have Purroblems Too appointment has helped mew, and if mew require any further consultations, purrlease don't hesitate to MEOW me.

Yours most sincerely

Dr Basil

@ The Cats have Purroblems Too Clinic T.M.

_______________________________

If mew can relate to Kevin's problem or feel that mew need any assistance, purrlease leave a comment to: Dear Dr Basil with your dilemma or email me directly, and I'll get back to mew.

Thank mew all for joining me today at The Cats have Purroblems Too Clinic, and I'll be back in a couple of weeks with another open clinic and case study.

Until then, Keep Calm and Purr on

Dr Basil

Ph.D. ~ BSc. (Hons) ~ Psy.D. ~ M.S. ~ M.A.