The Unofficial BBHQ Podcast Transcripts
Hosted by Smooch.
Assisted by: one unimpressed mop and an off-camera Parsley.
Happy Monday, Furry Floofers!
Welcome to a BRAND NEW segment here at BBHQ, where snark and snacks are a daily occurrence! MOL
Prepare yourselves to be shocked, amazed, and mildly concerned, and don’t forget to sign the N.D.A.—mew know how Basil gets! 😼✍️
🗂️ THE FLOOF FILES
Because nothing stays buried under the bunker carpet forever…
📜 CLAUSE 47 CONFIDENTIAL
The section of BBHQ protocol that everypawdy pretends not to know about.
🧁 OPERATION: WHISKER DROP
Where we release one classified secret per week, and see how many *glowing muffins end up divided between us.
*Yes, this is actually a thing.
And I’ll reveal more just as soon as Basil lets me peel the redacted labels off the file… MOL
“Welcome to Behind the Floof, BBHQ’s least-regulated broadcast, where the secrets are deep and the sass runs deeper. I’m Smooch, tactician, secret mission addict, and designated mop therapist. With me today is BBHQ’s furred-up figurehead, the feline in the flak vest and of course, the most epically epic dude ever. Commander Basil.”
🐾 Basil (unbothered):
“Charmed. I was told there’d be snacks.”
Smooch:
“We had snacks, but mew installed a tactical vacuum system on all the Levels that auto-hoovers Dreamies for ‘inventory protection.’”
Basil:
“It’s for security. And also, because Pandora kept hiding them in the potted plants.”
Smooch:
“So. The question everyone’s asking: What exactly is your job, Basil?”
Basil (deadpan):
“I inspire respect. Look good in goggles. Am a crack shot. And occasionally approve mop-related escalations. I also, with my epic team, save the world about once a month.”
Smooch:
“Mew haven’t filled out a mission report in six months.”
Basil:
“I delegated. Parsley’s handwriting is purractically a font now.”
Smooch:
“Speaking of Parsley, how exactly does one cat accidentally activate a Portal Vortex during brunch?”
Basil:
“Never serve tuna and catnip waffles near the dimensional stabilisers. That one’s on the kitchen logistics - Not To Do protocol.”
Smooch:
“Level Nine is still echoing with a Gregorian chant every time someone sneezes, and the lighting resonates in a harmonic wave pattern, morphing through sixteen million colours.”
Basil (shrugs):
“Auto mood lighting and soothing sounds, what's not to like!”
Smooch:
“Right. Moving on...What’s your proudest moment as Commander?”
Basil:
“Convincing the Inter-Galactic Council that ‘weaponised glitter’ doesn't fall under diplomatic immunity.”
Smooch:
“Least proud?”
Basil:
“That time I was out-snarked by Pandora in front of the entire B Team. She crafted a PowerPoint. With transitions. It was... humbling.”
Smooch:
“If mew weren’t Commander of BBHQ, what would you be doing?”
Basil:
“Running a rogue catnip cartel. Possibly with a sideline in motivational speaking for anxious and underprivileged kittens.”
Smooch:
“…I’d attend that.”
Basil:
“Mew’d be head of security. And mop disposal.”
Smooch:
“Fair. Here's another question. If BBHQ was about to explode again and mew could save one thing... what would it be?”
Basil:
“The snack vending machine.”
Smooch:
“Not the team?”
Basil:
“Mew're all so resourceful. Parsley survived a glitter landslide armed only with a teaspoon and blind optimism.”
Smooch:
“On that highly questionable note, we’re out of time. Join us next week for..."
Basil:
"Hey, dude, we haven't finished yet, remember I'm the commander here!"
Smooch:
"Ok, keep your fur on, and have a catnip cookie!"
Basil: (Takes cookie and munches loudly)
"Thank mew, I don't mind if I do... rather tasty, aren't they?"
Smooch: (Nodding at the cookie comment)
“All right, we’re into overtime, mostly because the control room door locked us in and Pandora’s still resetting the portal stabilisers with a spatula and a crystal wand. So while we wait... speed round?”
Basil:
“Proceed. But know that if mew ask about my very first assignment with the F.I.B., I’ll invoke the Lockdown Clause.”
Smooch:
“Favourite bunker floor?”
Basil:
“Sixteen. Magical forest. Ethereal creatures respect my tactical authority, and they have really good snacks down there.”
Smooch:
“Least favourite snack mew keep pretending to like at team meetings?”
Basil (stone-faced):
“Prawn-flavoured lentil biscuits. They taste like betrayal and a mouth full of dirt, that's been flicked in your face by the enemy.”
Smooch:
“If mew had to promote one B Team member to Commander for a day, who would it be?”
Basil:
“…The emergency mop. At least it doesn’t form Snack Oppression committees and call for more transparency regarding Dreamie rations.”
Smooch:
“What’s one mission mew never want to repeat?”
Basil:
“Operation Glitter Biscuit. Three words: sentient confetti blizzard.” (Brief pause) Who knew that baked goods and edible glitter could be a potential W.M.D.!"
Smooch:
“Have mew ever actually read the BBHQ health and safety manual?”
Basil:
“I’ve weaponised it. Page 73 folds into a remarkably sharp paper glider. And for Cod's sake, don't ever ask about page 25, or even open it for that matter."
Smooch:
“Okay, last-last question... any advice for aspiring bunker commanders watching at home?”
Basil:
“Lead boldly. Nap unapologetically. And never trust a F.I.B. Deputy Director... if their mouth is moving, it's all lies, every single word.”
Smooch:
“Wise words. Not the answer I was hoping for, but wise. That’s all for today’s Behind the Floof... next time, we’re diving into Pandora’s Paranormal Mop Files and What’s Really Lurking in the Janitorial Annexe on Level Twelve.”
Basil:
“Oh, and before I go, tell Parsley I want my flamethrower back.”
Smooch:
“And that, floof fans, is a wrap. This has been your dangerously under-caffeinated host, Smooch, reminding mew to debrief responsibly... and maybe don’t press the glowing button next to the snack vault. Or do, if mew want to unleash the Kraken!”
And that concludes today’s thrilling instalment of Behind the Floof.
If mew’ve learned anything, it’s that leadership is 70% delegation, 20% mop evasion, and 10% pretending mew didn’t hear Basil jokingly suggest replacing the free snack vending machine on Level One with an Emergency Biscuit Protocol Box (E.B.P.B.) - a glass case marked "In case of existential crisis, break open." Inside, a single, vacuum-sealed prawn cracker and a note that says “It's ok, things will get better, or not!”
Click here to jump to Episode Two
Don't forget the Midweek News will be here on Wednesday, and join me next time when I attempt to interview Pandora without summoning a spectral bucket (and yes, the mop thing will be revealed) and until then;
Stay alert, stay catnipped, and as always…
Your Epically Epic Unofficial Host
Smooch
Pawesome 'Behind The Floof' Graphics by Copilot just to try something different! MOL
All you need to know about behind the floof. Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteThank you for joining the Awww Mondays Blog Hop.
Have a fabulous Awww Monday and week. Scritches to all the kitties and a big hug to mom. ♥
It is good to know what goes on behind the scenes at BBHQ!
ReplyDeleteVery 😎 cool and good information to know, kitties!
ReplyDeleteI was vitally interested in Behind the Floof. I never really know all the machinations and ins and outs of it. Still don't!)
ReplyDeleteAs a janitor, I want to hear about the mop, bucket and closet! An epic first episode and yes, I will stay away from page 25.
ReplyDeleteThat was fun. You are so creative. XO
ReplyDelete"Prawn-flavoured lentil biscuits"...yuck!
ReplyDeleteI agree, that was fun, bravo!
ReplyDeleteWhoa, what a fun post!!
ReplyDeleteI was gonna tell you that the prawn flavored lentil biscuits is an affront to catdome. WHY was such a snack invented!? Sentient confetti...my furs are on end with horror! WHO did that?
ReplyDeleteSeriously: in our corner of the world, TMI is redacted - we can't, absolutely CANNOT take anymore and as for signing NDAs, the entire WORLD is expected now (under control of 1600 Penny-syl-vania AVE, too nearby, way way to near) so with all those NDAs how can we pawsibly stop this Madness from the Mad King ... and it goes on and on and on ... oh ye across the pond, we needz your help ... come mop it up
ReplyDeleteNearly fell of my chair laughing!!! You are brilliant dudes!!!
ReplyDelete