Dr Basil’s Cats Have Purroblems Too ~ a humorous feline advice column solving despurrate kitty dilemmas.
My other Professional Credits include:
NOM Master
Snoozy Savant
Purr Master
Touchy Feely Therapy or T.F.T
Purrfume Aroma Treatment or P.A.T.
I can help mew to solve all your Pet Peeves, Purrsonal Problems and Despurrate Dilemmas, no matter how great or small they may be.
Plus, I only use the very latest techniques, some of which I have developed myself over my long and esteemed career, which include:
Nom Zen ~The Art of Nomming in Total Tranquillity
YogiCat Meditation ~ Stretches and Breathing Techniques for the Severely Stressed & Overworked
Intense CatNip Therapy ~ This treatment speaks for itself (I find it very beneficial)
To help mew release all your stresses and worries, just drop by my clinic held here or, alternatively, email me your purroblem, and I'll answer here. If mew require to remain anonymous or anon, purrlease include that in your email.
Mew can contact me directly at the following address:
This is one of my recent cases via email:
Dear Dr Basil,
I hope mew can help because I am reaching the end of my whiskers.
My hooman used to be quite sensible. They fed me on time, admired my floofy magnificence from a respectful distance, and generally understood that I was the ruler of the house.
Then they acquired something called a "smartphone."
Now I cannot enjoy a single nap without hearing, "Awwww, look how cute you are!"
Click.
Stretch one paw?
Click.
Big yawn?
Click click click.
Trying to wash my tail in private?
CLICK!
Dr Basil, I haven't had a dignified bath in weeks. Every meal, every snooze and every biscuit-making session is interrupted by this strange rectangular object appearing in my face.
Last Tuesday, they even balanced a tiny hat on my head "just for one picture."
I ask mew... where does it end?
How do I politely explain that I am a majestic feline, not a full-time cat-lebrity?
Yours in exhausted exaspurration,
Sir Whiskerton of Sofa Kingdom
Today, I have selected the colour GOLD, the noble colour of dignity, wisdom and exceptionally handsome cats. It also reminds hoomans that we are priceless works of art... although some of us would accept payment in Dreamies.
Dear Sir Whiskerton,
Firstly, allow me to reassure mew that mew are not alone.
Thousands ... possibly millions ...of cats across the globe are currently enduring the Great Photograph Epidemic, aka G.P.E.!
Hoomans simply cannot help themselves.
They see one tiny toe bean.
Click.
One little blep.
Click click.
One particularly fluffy tummy.
Three hundred and seventy-eight photos later, they're still saying, "Just one more!"
While we cannot completely cure hoomans of this curious condition, there are several proven techniques which may help restore a little balance.
1. Master the Look
The slow blink is wonderful.
The Royal Glare is even better.
Simply stare directly into your hooman's soul with an expression that says,
"I know where mew sleep."
This often causes them to lower the camera for at least twelve seconds.
2. Employ Strategic Movement
The instant the camera appears, rotate exactly three degrees.
Not enough to leave the frame ... just enough to make every photograph slightly blurry.
Hoomans find this deeply frustrating.
Cats find it hilarious.
3. Charge a Treat Tax
No photograph shall be taken without suitable compensation.
One photo equals one crunchy treat.
Three photos require a tube of creamy cat treats.
A photoshoot involving costumes requires immediate payment in premium salmon or lashings of primo catnip! MOL
These are the rules.
I didn't make them.
Actually ... I did.
4. Schedule Official Photo Hours
Allow your hooman five glorious minutes each day to admire your magnificence.
Strike your finest poses.
Show off the whiskers.
Display the tail.
After that, office hours are officially closed, and all further photography requires written purrmission from the Management Department ... which is, of course ... mew.
5. Never Forget the Ultimate Secret Weapon
If all else fails...
Execute the Legendary Boneless Cat Manoeuvre.
The moment they attempt to pose mew, transform instantly into seventeen kilograms of warm spaghetti.
Hoomans have never developed a successful defence against this ancient feline technique.
Finally, Sir Whiskerton, remember this impawtant truth.
Hoomans don't take hundreds of photographs because they wish to annoy us.
They do it because they love us more than words can say and never tire of telling the world just how magnificent we are.
It is, admittedly, a rather inconvenient way of showing affection ... but we shall graciously tolerate it.
For treats.
Yours most sincerely,
Dr Basil
The Cats Have Purroblems Too Clinic™
Terrific advice, Dr. Basil!
ReplyDeleteOh wait, Henry is being cute...gotta go take a pic...