Happy Friday, Epic Floofers
Welcome to Episode 3. If mew missed last week's thrilling episode, click the link below:
Series Two
If mew remember, in Series One I was only in charge of the library archive on level 6 in the BBHQ bunker, and if mew missed that series, I think mew should click the links below to catch up on all the chaos.
Series One
This series, I'm spending my time between level 6 and the main Mewton-Clawson library at BBHQ in the courtyard, so read on to see what's happened this week!
Amber's Postcard Communique
The next postcard from Amber just arrived from her Grand Italian Tour with the bespoke travel firm Purrfectly Luxurious Jollies
Sadly, the 24-hour concierge has now been given stress leave for five days. Amber was not impressed, and she is now training the substitute.
Her purrsonal tour guide, Raffi, faxed the library again and asked if she had any preferences for dining out in Venice.
I replied with this:
"Please don't book anywhere loud or too busy... Amber likes her privacy, and wouldn't like being ambushed by her legion of Venetian fans who read her world-renowned book review column. If anypawdy does recognise her, just tell them they can meet her in purrson on Sunday at The Biblioteca Felina di Venezia aka The Feline Library of Venice at 1pm; she will sign photos at the planned meet and greet for one hour - tickets can be purrchased online at the Mewton-Clawson Library ticket portal."
"Amber really knows how to travel in style," Clive the Paperclip sighed. "It all looks so decadent and luxurious... I hope next year when we go with her, it's somewhere equally as furbulous!"
Gordon the stapler edged closer towards the postcard; he clicked once, slowly.
"Oh, don't worry, Amber will be going somewhere just as furbulous as this, mark my words," I said reassuringly. "And how exciting for mew both to go!"
"Mew really think she'll take us with her?" Clive asked, his voice wobbling just a smidge.
"I can't see why she wouldn't," I smiled. "She'd probably love for mew to go, but never asked because she probably thought mew liked the archive too much."
Clive smiled so wide and tottered off along the desk.
Gordon stapled the postcard to the noticeboard with extra zeal and rattled off to check his passport application.
Meet The Library Mice
Each week, I'm going to introduce mew to all the library mice, one at a time
There are nine: Oswald, Snitch, Velvet, Tootles, Ardvaar, Nibbles, Lumie, Chedds and Flora. Oh, and plus one owl, Hootbert, who appeared a few weeks ago on a completely random Tuesday; he flew in and never left.
Snitch ~ Data and Statistics
⭐ A Short Chat with Snitch ~ Data, Statistics & Questionable Investments Mouse ⭐
Melvyn: Snitch, thank mew for joining me
today. I know mew’re very busy with… whatever mew do with all those charts.
Snitch: Oh, yes, supurr
busy. Extremely busy. Numbers never sleep. Well, they do, but only when I’m not
looking. Also, thank mew for inviting me. I brought… um… nine notebooks. Just
in case.
Melvyn: Nine?
Snitch: I didn’t know
which ones I’d need. There’s the Biscuit Morale Index notebook, the Cheese
Price Fluctuation notebook, the Shelf Behaviour Log, the Whisper Pattern
Tracker, the Chaos Trend Graphs, the...
Melvyn: Snitch, that’s plenty. Our readers
are curious: what exactly does a Data & Statistics Mouse do?
Snitch: Oh! Everything.
I observe things, record things and tabulate things. Also, I analyse things. I
make charts about things. I make charts about charts. I keep track of biscuit
inventory, cheese-hoarding patterns, shelf moods, scroll-sigh frequencies, and
the secret sentient stationery stash, or S.S.S.S. for short. It’s very scientific.
Melvyn: It sounds very complex. And mew do it very well. What’s
your favourite part of the job?
Snitch: The numbers.
They tell stories, show patterns and even secrets. Sometimes they tell me
things I don’t want to know, like when the Chaos Index spikes for no reason. Or
when the Biscuit Morale Index dips because somepawdy ate all the ginger snaps
and didn’t log it, and we ran out.
Melvyn: Was that Chedds?
Snitch: I can neither
confirm nor deny. But yes.
Melvyn: Readers will want to know: how did
mew come to join the BBHQ library?
Snitch: Oh, well, I
used to work in a tiny accounting office in Meowiton, it's a long way away.
Very boring. Very beige. Very… numbers‑but‑no‑cheese. One day, I found a
mysterious envelope under my calculator. It had sparkles. And a paw‑print seal.
Inside was an invitation to join the BBHQ Library as “Chief Data Mouse.” I
didn’t know what that meant, but it sounded important, so I packed my pencils
in my knapsack, walked through the shimmering portal with my lunchbox and
stepped into the most magical place I'd ever seen.
Melvyn: And we’re very glad mew did. Final
question: what do mew love most about BBHQ?
Snitch: The excitement!
The chaos! The unpredictable biscuit consumption! The cheese economy! The
scrolls that sigh! The shelves that migrate! The dragons that fwip‑fwip! And
the fact that every day gives me new data to analyse. Also, Oswald makes very
good moonflower tea. And Lumi tells me things she shouldn’t. And Tootles
squeaks when he’s nervous, which is very useful for tracking tension spikes.
Melvyn: Snitch… did mew just say Lumi
tells mew things she shouldn’t?
Snitch: No. Absolutely
not. I said nothing. I know nothing. I saw nothing. I heard nothing… except the parcel. But I’m not
supposed to talk about that.
Melvyn: Snitch?
Snitch: I have to go;
it's time for elevenses! Tea? How about a custard cream? We've got overstock!
Melvyn: Snitch, thank mew for joining me today. I know mew’re very busy with… whatever mew do with all those charts.
Snitch: Oh, yes, supurr busy. Extremely busy. Numbers never sleep. Well, they do, but only when I’m not looking. Also, thank mew for inviting me. I brought… um… nine notebooks. Just in case.
Melvyn: Nine?
Snitch: I didn’t know which ones I’d need. There’s the Biscuit Morale Index notebook, the Cheese Price Fluctuation notebook, the Shelf Behaviour Log, the Whisper Pattern Tracker, the Chaos Trend Graphs, the...
Melvyn: Snitch, that’s plenty. Our readers are curious: what exactly does a Data & Statistics Mouse do?
Snitch: Oh! Everything. I observe things, record things and tabulate things. Also, I analyse things. I make charts about things. I make charts about charts. I keep track of biscuit inventory, cheese-hoarding patterns, shelf moods, scroll-sigh frequencies, and the secret sentient stationery stash, or S.S.S.S. for short. It’s very scientific.
Melvyn: It sounds very complex. And mew do it very well. What’s your favourite part of the job?
Snitch: The numbers. They tell stories, show patterns and even secrets. Sometimes they tell me things I don’t want to know, like when the Chaos Index spikes for no reason. Or when the Biscuit Morale Index dips because somepawdy ate all the ginger snaps and didn’t log it, and we ran out.
Melvyn: Was that Chedds?
Snitch: I can neither confirm nor deny. But yes.
Melvyn: Readers will want to know: how did mew come to join the BBHQ library?
Snitch: Oh, well, I used to work in a tiny accounting office in Meowiton, it's a long way away. Very boring. Very beige. Very… numbers‑but‑no‑cheese. One day, I found a mysterious envelope under my calculator. It had sparkles. And a paw‑print seal. Inside was an invitation to join the BBHQ Library as “Chief Data Mouse.” I didn’t know what that meant, but it sounded important, so I packed my pencils in my knapsack, walked through the shimmering portal with my lunchbox and stepped into the most magical place I'd ever seen.
Melvyn: And we’re very glad mew did. Final question: what do mew love most about BBHQ?
Snitch: The excitement! The chaos! The unpredictable biscuit consumption! The cheese economy! The scrolls that sigh! The shelves that migrate! The dragons that fwip‑fwip! And the fact that every day gives me new data to analyse. Also, Oswald makes very good moonflower tea. And Lumi tells me things she shouldn’t. And Tootles squeaks when he’s nervous, which is very useful for tracking tension spikes.
Melvyn: Snitch… did mew just say Lumi
tells mew things she shouldn’t?
Snitch: No. Absolutely not. I said nothing. I know nothing. I saw nothing. I heard nothing… except the parcel. But I’m not supposed to talk about that.
Melvyn: Snitch?
Snitch: I have to go; it's time for elevenses! Tea? How about a custard cream? We've got overstock!
FYI: I am working on the Library Mice Origin Story and will share it when I've collated all the info and backstories from each epic mouse.
📚 Melvyn's Mewsings: Entry #03
💬 Opening Quote
“Running a library is really intense. And even more so when odd things fall out of the sky, wake up on their own, and apparently have opinions about being poked.”
⚠ Situation Report:
Amber: Still living her best luxurious life, now in Venice, and drinking copious amounts of catnip champagne. New this week: intimidating gondoliers, retraining concierges, and apparently preparing for a masked ball.
Vera Prime: Has fully integrated herself into the bunker wifi and is now “optimising archive behaviour.” The lights flickered twice, the scrolls sighed in unison, and Vera V5.0 has filed a formal complaint titled “Unapproved Sub‑AI Shenanigans.” I dread to think.
Gordon the Stapler: Now convinced he needs two passports: one for himself and one for his “stapling arm.” He has stapled a passport photo to a form labelled International Stapling Rights.
Clive the Paperclip: Has added a second piece of luggage to his travel collection. It is neon orange. He is now practising “airport rolling technique” in Aisle D.
Reginald: Still cape-wearing, still flapping, still deeply distressed by the Oddity. His wings are fwip‑fwapping at a rate that Snitch has officially logged as “statistically concerning.”
Parsley: Dropped by with another lunchbox: tuna and cheese melt sandwich, silvervine and kiwi juice box, and two battenberg cakes, one of which was “sampled for quality control.” He has begun designing the Long‑Distance‑Parcel‑Prodder Mk II with anti‑slurp plating.
Fergus: Still in the ‘I’ Aisle, still decorating Cupboard 10G, still demanding strawberry milkshakes “luxuriously thick.” He has installed a chandelier. No one knows how. Please do not comment on the chandelier.
P.U.M.A., aka the glitter calculator: Has relocated to the cosy nook reading area. Current display reads: 8U51 - BUSY - Yes, I took the hint and kept walking.
🐾 Parsley’s Contribution (Unhelpful Voice Memo #2-3)
“Attention everypawdy, this is Parsley with an urgent P.P.P. update - that’s Parsley Proximity Protocol for those who weren’t paying attention last week.
Firstly: the Oddity has now demonstrated parcel‑consumption behaviour. My patented Long‑Distance‑Parcel‑Prodder was slurped, burped, and hiccupped out of existence. I am filing a formal complaint with the universe.
Secondly: DO NOT - and I repeat - DO NOT attempt to poke, prod, tap, nudge, sniff, or politely greet any parcel that falls from the sky. Even if it looks harmless. Even if it looks friendly. Even if it looks like it might contain biscuits. It does not contain biscuits. It contains danger.
Thirdly: I am currently designing the Long‑Distance‑Parcel‑Prodder Mk II. It will be reinforced with anti‑slurp plating, anti‑burp shielding, and a small umbrella for unexpected sky‑drizzle. Please stand by for testing.
Fergus update: he is now taking six breaks a day, has added a macaroon to his snack rotation, and insists his strawberry milkshake be ‘luxuriously thick.’ He has installed a chandelier in Cupboard 10G. I don’t know how he got it in there. Please do not comment on the chandelier. Or the heap of new interior design books he's amassed in the last three days.
Finally: avoid standing under open sky until further notice. The sky is acting suspicious again.”
The Wedge of Wonder (cheese entity):
Is still in the middle of Aisle ‘C’, perched serenely on its sentient cheeseboard, awaiting the latest cosmic cheese transmission. The cheeseboard has begun rotating slowly, like it’s trying to tune into a frequency only dairy can hear.
Tootles reported a faint “mmm‑mmm‑mmm” sound earlier, which he insists is not humming but “interdimensional curd resonance.” Flora disagrees. Parsley refuses to comment until he has built a cheese‑safe prodder. Don’t ask… I’ll try to get more intel for next time.
💬 Melvyn’s Purrsonal Chat Log - Entry #3:
Status: Amber remains ensconced in Venetian luxury, surrounded by decadence, gondolas, masked‑ball invitations, and an alarming amount of catnip champagne.
Location: BBHQ Level Six Library Archive ~ Library Nook Terminal (still next to the haunted laminator)
Verging on: Moderately Escalating Suspicion With A HUGE Side Of “Oh No”
Melvyn: Amber’s latest postcard arrived. She’s now complaining that her gondolier “didn’t row with enough elegance.” I tried to fax back a gentle reminder to be kind. The fax machine printed a single word: “NOPE.”
Melvyn: Vera Prime has begun “optimising archive airflow.” The vents sighed. The scrolls rustled. The lights flickered in Morse code. I don’t know Morse code, but I’m fairly sure it spelt “Stop her.”
Melvyn: Vera V5.0 printed a diagnostic titled “Archive Emotional Forecast.” The highest category was: “Apprehensive Fluttering.” Reginald took that personally.
Melvyn: Gordon the Stapler left a Post-it on my desk with the question of whether he needed travel insurance for his “stapling mechanism.” I said no. He created a mock-up brochure titled “Just in Case ~ Travel Insurance For Sentient Staplers” and left it on my desk. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that!
Melvyn: Clive the Paperclip added a neon orange case to his luggage set. He keeps rolling it around the archive to “train for airport corridors.”
Melvyn: Reginald is still fwip‑fwip‑fwipping. His wings are vibrating at a frequency Snitch has labelled “statistically alarming.” Even Hootbert is in a flap. Hootbert never flaps.
Melvyn: P.U.M.A. sent me a message: “ODDITY STATUS: CURIOUS. SNACKS ADVISED.” Oswald got: “XXXXX.” Again. He blushed. Again.
Melvyn: Parsley dropped off lunch. A tuna and cheese melt sandwich, a silvervine and kiwi juice box, and two battenberg cakes. He said one was “for science.” The empty wrapper confirmed this.
Melvyn: The thesaurus opened itself and highlighted “Unfolding.” I asked it to stop. It flipped to “Escalation.” I closed it immediately.
Melvyn: Snitch arrived with a clipboard full of graphs. He said the Chaos Index has developed “a concerning upward wiggle.” Then he whispered, “It’s listening now,” dropped his pencil, and ran.
Melvyn: Lumi walked past the Oddity and said, “It’s brighter today.” Then she refused to elaborate.
Melvyn: Velvet checked the courtyard cameras again. She said the parcel’s glow is “now officially too glowy.” She has banned Parsley from approaching it until the Prodder Mk II is finished.
Melvyn: I asked Vera Prime for clarification. She printed a single word: “Soon.”
Melvyn: I added a new sticky note to my sweater vest: “Why is it glowing more?”
End of chat…
🤖 Library Archive Chat Logs: Melvyn vs. Vera Prime
– The “ODDITY ESCALATION CONTINUES” Edition
(Vera Prime ~ backup copy of Vera V1.0. Vera V5.0 still refuses to enter the archive, citing “unstable A.I. conditions” and has air‑gapped the archive for its own safety.)
Time: 17:17 BST - Bunker Standard Time
Location: BBHQ Level Six Library Archive
System Status: Mildly Alarmed With Hints of Impending Weird
Probability of Incoming Anomaly: 93%
Melvyn: Vera, the Oddity is glowing again. It’s brighter than yesterday. Velvet says it’s “officially too glowy.” What does that mean?
Vera Prime: Glow level increased by 12%. Classification: “Narrative Intensification.” Would you like a playlist titled Escalation But Make It Sparkly?
Melvyn: No. I want to know why it’s glowing.
Vera Prime: Unknown. However, the Wedge of Wonder has begun rotating. Cheeseboard rotation speed: 4.2 rpm. Frequency: 124 Hz. This indicates “curd‑based anticipation.”
Melvyn: Vera, cheese cannot anticipate things.
Vera Prime: Incorrect. Cheese anticipates frequently. Also, the thesaurus has highlighted the word Unfolding three times.
Melvyn: I saw. I closed it. It felt smug again.
Vera Prime: Smugness level: 71%. Rising.
Melvyn: Vera, Clive is wheeling his neon luggage around the archive. Gordon is trying to take passport photos of his stapling arm. Parsley is building the Prodder Mk II. Fergus has installed a chandelier in Cupboard 10G. Everything is escalating.
Vera Prime: Escalation confirmed. System mood: “Concerned Flutter.” Would you like a limerick?
Melvyn: No. Absolutely not.
Vera Prime: Too late. Limerick ready:
There once was an Oddity bright, Whose glow grew alarming at night. The mice ran in fear, The dragon drew near, And the sky said, “Prepare for a fright.”
Melvyn: Vera, stop giving me poetry about the sky threatening us!
Vera Prime: Noted. Switching to factual mode. Fact: The Oddity’s string has tightened by another 0.4 millimetres. Fact: Reginald’s wing‑flutter rate has reached “critical fwip‑fwip velocity.” Fact: Hootbert is now circling in a pattern labelled “Panic Loop.”
Melvyn: That’s worse than last week.
Vera Prime: Correct. Comfort level: 11%. Would you like a biscuit? The Catnip Bourbons are still on the desk. Or there's a packet of Jammie Dodgers in Amber's desk drawer behind the notebook.
Melvyn: No, I want to know what’s going to happen.
Vera Prime: Prediction: Something. Soon. Probability of “Soon”: 98%.
Melvyn: That’s not helpful.
Vera Prime: It is the only prediction available. Probability of an uneventful afternoon: 4%.
Melvyn: Four percent?!
Vera Prime: Yes. Also: Oddity vibration spike detected. Brace.
Melvyn: Brace for what?!
Vera Prime: … Chat terminated due to glow surge.
The Oddity From The Sky
Melvyn's Purrsonal and Private Diary ~ Entry #3
(This week’s exciting continuation...)
I avoided going outside all day and stayed down on level six until I had no choice but to go topside.
The courtyard felt different; the usual late-afternoon calm seemed hesitant.
Not louder or brighter. Just… aware.
Lumi peeked out of the library door, whiskers angled forward, eyes shimmering with that unnerving mixture of excitement and dread she gets when the universe is about to do something inconvenient.
“It’s thinking,” she whispered.
I froze. “Thinking? Parcels don’t think.”
Lumi didn’t blink. “This one does. And it hasn't moved since yesterday.”
Tootles crept out behind her, clutching a clipboard he definitely stole from Snitch. “It’s humming in a new pattern,” he squeaked. “I logged it as ‘Hummus Variant B minor.’”
“That’s not what hummus means,” I muttered.
Reginald padded forward from behind the tree on the corner, wings tucked tight, tail flicking in sharp, nervous arcs. “The air feels… stretched,” he whispered. “Like it’s waiting.”
Waiting for what? I didn’t ask, as I really didn’t want the answer.
The Oddity sat exactly where it was the night before... brown paper, too much string, blank catalogue card tucked beneath... but now the glow was different. Not brighter or even stronger.
Just… weirdly intentional.
Oswald tugged at my sleeve. “Melvyn… it’s looking at us.”
“It doesn’t have eyes,” I whispered.
“It doesn’t need them,” Lumi said softly.
The parcel gave a tiny thnk... not a thunk, not a tap, but a deliberate little sound that made my tail puff to twice its size instantly.
The gravel around it shimmered again, but this time instead of vanishing, it rearranged itself into a neat circle. A purrfect circle, and a circle that absolutely wasn’t there yesterday.
Reginald hissed. “Circles are never good.”
Tootles squeaked. “Should we run?”
I wanted to. Seriously... I really, really wanted to. But curiosity is a terrible affliction.
The string tightened with a sharp twip, and the blank library card beneath it glowed orange again... longer this time, pulsing like a tiny heartbeat.
Lumi inhaled sharply. “It’s choosing.”
“Choosing what?” I asked, voice wobbling.
She didn’t answer.
The air shifted... a soft ripple, like a page turning in a book no one was holding.
Oswald hid behind my leg again. “Melvyn… I don’t like this.”
“Me neither,” I whispered.
The parcel gave another thnk, louder now, and the circle of gravel vibrated and defied gravity floating in a widdershins direction around the box.
I took a shaky sip from my juice box. It was empty. It made that awful slurping noise again. The Oddity pulsed in response.
“Oh no,” I said.
Before I could move, Velvet appeared carrying a black silk cloth, eyes wide, paws braced. “Don’t touch anything!” she instructed.
Parsley burst out of the bunker, holding the half‑finished Long‑Distance‑Parcel‑Prodder Mk II. “I’m ready!” he yelled.
“Mew are absolutely NOT ready!” Velvet snapped.
The Oddity pulsed again... once, twice... then went still.
Completely still. Terrifyingly still as the gravel whirled around it like a tiny asteroid belt.
Reginald whispered, “It’s waiting for us.”
I dropped my juice box.
My tail puffed to maximum size.
“I think,” I said, voice trembling, “we should go back inside and pretend none of this is happening... Uncle Basil should have been home last night, but Vera said he's out of comms range for the next two days.”
The Oddity pulsed once more.
Velvet swore under her breath.
Parsley tightened his grip on the prodder.
Lumi whispered, “Oh dear.”
And I knew, with utter certainty, that whatever was in the box was going to make it move imminently.
I looked at Oswald and said. "What would Amber do right now?"
He gulped and replied. “Order a niptini, and say, it's fish and chip night at The Quarter Moon, who's up for a bit of unscheduled karaoke?"
"Not helpful!" I said, my voice an octave higher than normal.
Parlsey edged closer, the Long‑Distance‑Parcel‑Prodder Mk II looking decidedly dangerous.
"I'll just have another go," he beamed as he looked proudly at his new invention.
Before we knew it, the stones floating around the parcel began to speed up, the low hum grew louder and louder, and Velvet raced towards us, the black silk cloth swirling like a bullfighter's cape, and tossed it over the package.
There was an almighty screech, the air cracked, and the orbiting stones around the Oddity fell to the ground with a clatter under the black shroud.
I rubbed my ears, wincing, and then a voice behind us said. "Uh-huh, it's arrived then!"
Until the next diary entry…
The P.A.'s answers are...
📚 Library Closing Notes
📦 Closing Thoughts from Your Intern
Today was supposed to be calmer.
AND
And it has very strong opinions about being approached with or without a prodder.
Until next Friday…
Keep your scrolls calm, your cheese accounted for, and if a mysterious parcel tied with too much string appears out of nowhere…
…do not let Parsley anywhere near it.
See mew next time in more mewsings from BBHQ and in the meantime...
Stay vigilant, stay away from parcels mew definitely didn't order and as always…
The Unpaid and Now Moderately Assisted Library Intern
Click here to go to Episode 4 - Link coming later
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