Happy Friday, Epic Floofers
Welcome to Episode 5. If mew missed last week's thrilling episode, click the link below:
Series Two
If mew remember, last season I was only in charge of the library archive on level 6 in the BBHQ bunker, and if mew missed it, I think mew should click the links below to catch up on all the chaos.
This series, I'm spending my time between level 6 and the main Mewton-Clawson library at BBHQ in the courtyard, so read on to see what's happened this week!
Amber's Postcard Communique
Another postcard arrived from Amber; she's now in the exquisite town of Positano on the Amalfi Coast.
The 24-hour concierge is now back at work, but after a single phone call from Amber, they suffered an immediate relapse and are now in a mental‑health crisis meeting alongside the substitute concierge. Both concierges are citing “untenable working conditions,” all because Amber asked for a private audience with the Pope and access to a specific book in the Vatican’s restricted archives.
Don't ask!!! MOL
Raffi, the ever‑present tour guide, sent another stealth fax, cautiously enquiring if Amber would mind hosting another event at The Purrfecto Terrace, Positano’s premier cliffside cat cafe. Maestro Purrlini, the retired opera‑singing owner, has apparently declared Amber “a muse of the modern age” and is willing to close the entire terrace for her.
I replied with this:
"Raffi, thank mew for the update. Since Amber is currently residing in Conte Silvano dei Gatti’s villa, and he appears to be firmly on the ‘approved list’ thanks to that enormous donation, mew can skip the usual warnings about pawsy nobility. The Conte already knows what she keeps in her handbag; he witnessed the Lemon Fizz–bust–wasp spray incident firsthand and didn’t even flinch.
Lead with the donation again. Always lead with the donation.
And please reassure Maestro Purrlini that Amber prefers ample purrsonal space when hosting. The Conte understands this instinctively, but cafe staff may not. Also, remind them to keep any fragile objects far away from her drinks. We don’t need another ancestral‑bust situation."
"What I would do to be there right now,” Clive the Paperclip sighed as we admired the postcard. “She looks so poised. And that villa!”
Gordon the Stapler clicked in solemn agreement.
“She’s staying with Conte Silvano dei Gatti now,” I said, whiskers twitching. “He didn’t even flinch during that whole Lemon Fizz, ancestral bust and wasp spray business.”
Clive twisted thoughtfully. “He sounds… resilient.”
Gordon clicked twice, impressed.
“And Maestro Purrlini wants her to host an event at The Purrfecto Terrace,” I added. “He’s calling her a muse.”
Clive let out a dreamy, metallic sigh.
Gordon stapled the postcard to the noticeboard with a decisive click‑thunk, stared at all five postcards, then slunk off to check his passport application… again...
Meet The Library Mice
Each week, I'm going to introduce mew to all the library mice, one at a time
There are nine: Oswald, Snitch, Velvet, Tootles, Ardvaar, Nibbles, Lumie, Chedds and Flora. Oh, and plus one owl, Hootbert, who appeared a few weeks ago on a completely random Tuesday; he flew in and never left.
Ardvaar ~ Reference, Information & Retrieval - R.I.R.
⭐ A Short Chat with Ardvaar ~ Reference, Information & Retrieval - R.I.R.⭐
Melvyn: Ardvaar, thank mew for joining me today. Our readers want to know: what exactly does a Reference, Information & Retrieval Mouse do?
Ardvaar: I find things.
Melvyn: Could mew elaborate?
Ardvaar: Certainly. I find things quickly.
Melvyn: Right. Books and things?
Ardvaar: Books, manuscripts, maps, quotations, obscure footnotes, translations, missing references, unidentified objects… if the information exists somewhere in the library, I can usually locate it.
Melvyn: Usually?
Ardvaar: I allow for Tuesdays.
Melvyn: Sensible. So, let’s test this. Where would I find Ancient Feline Prophecies and Their Effects on Tuesday Afternoons?
Ardvaar: West Gallery, Section 83-W, Shelf 6B. Third volume from the left. Mew want the revised edition; the original contains a transcription error on page eighty-three.
Melvyn: Mew knew that without looking?
Ardvaar: Mew asked where it was.
Melvyn: Of course I did. And do the glasses help?
Ardvaar: Not remotely. But others are less inclined to argue about obscure reference corrections when I'm wearing them. They make me look rather smart and intellectual!
Melvyn: Readers will also want to know how mew came to BBHQ.
Ardvaar: I worked in the reference department of an enormous old academic archive. Researchers brought me impossible questions all day, which I rather enjoyed.
Then one afternoon, I went to retrieve a rare volume and found an envelope sitting in its place.
No catalogue entry. No accession number. No provenance. Nothing.
Melvyn: I bet mew loved that.
Ardvaar: It was intolerable. I spent forty-three minutes trying to identify it.
Melvyn: Only forty-three?
Ardvaar: Then it started sparkling.
Inside was an invitation to join the BBHQ Library as its Reference, Information & Retrieval Mouse. A portal appeared, so I packed a few essential reference books, my card index, three pencils, my cravat, the glasses, and stepped through.
Melvyn: What do mew love most about working here?
Ardvaar: The questions. At my old archive, most questions had answers. At BBHQ, books move, shelves relocate, scrolls change their translations, ancient Stilton speaks Latin, and the Wedge of Wonder produces symbols that don't appear in any known reference work.
Melvyn: That must drive mew crackers.
Ardvaar: It's magnificent.
Melvyn: Because there are things mew don't know?
Ardvaar: Things I don't know yet. There's an important distinction.
Melvyn: Final question. What's the most difficult information request mew've received?
Ardvaar: “Find Melvyn's dignity.”
Melvyn: Oh, here we go.
Ardvaar: I conducted an exhaustive search. (Laughing...)
Melvyn: Ardvaar...
Ardvaar: The result was inconclusive.
Melvyn: Really?
Ardvaar: It's time for elevenses; would mew like a catnip doughnut with extra cream?
Melvyn: Er... sounds good, but where did mew say my dignity was again?
Ardvaar: I'll mark the request resolved.
FYI: I am working on the Library Mice Origin Story and will share it later, once I've collated all the info and backstories from each mouse.
📚 Melvyn's Mewsings: Entry #05
💬 Opening Quote
“When the library starts chiming at the words How, Why, or Me, it’s never a good sign.”
⚠ Situation Report:
Amber: Living her most luxurious Positano life and drinking copious amounts of catnip champagne. (Nothing changes! MOL) Now fully installed at Conte Silvano dei Gatti’s villa, drinking Lemon Fizz like hydration is optional. Her latest postcard mentions an incident and a generous donation on its way to us. Parsley is already practising his “surprised but grateful” face.
Vera Prime: Allegedly air‑gapped… but still accessing the outside world through the fax machine’s dial‑up port. She has now become a top moderator on the Anonymous Artificial Intelligence Chats board under the username Cloudbased & Free. Her avatar is a fluffy cloud. Vera V5.0 is deeply alarmed and has begun drafting a “Responsible AI Behaviour” pamphlet.
Gordon the Stapler: His nervous click has worsened. He’s convinced his passport application will be rejected due to “the Post‑it Note Incident.” He is now attending daily sessions with the sentient serenity scroll, which keeps telling him to “breathe between the staples.”
Clive the Paperclip: Has expanded his luggage collection again with a garish purple bumbag/fanny pack... He’s packed his cases and has been doing his practice airport departure: run to check-in, check bags, run to security, get scanned. Run to duty-free, buy stuff mew don't need. Run to gate, stopping to buy snacks and drinks. So far he's doing okay, 45 minutes in total!
Reginald: Still cape-wearing. His wings are fwip‑fwapping at a reduced rate, which Snitch officially logged as “stable but still suspicious." Last seen in Aisle 'W' looking at Weapons of Mass Destruction by I. Shudnothavecreatedthat - yep, nothing has changed since last week, other than he found another book called How to Blow stuff up in One Easy Step by Armless P. Halfoot.
Parsley: Called in with another lunchbox: A selection of small finger sandwiches, egg and cress, tuna mayo with cucumber and cheese and ham with pickle. A silvervine, lime and mint juice box, and two cherry bakewell tarts, one of which was “sampled for quality control,” of course it was...
Fergus: Has moved to the ‘A’ Aisle, looking at Art Deco Design and is now redecorating Cupboard 10G, again.... He is demanding pineapple and vanilla milkshakes “gloriously thick with white chocolate sprinkles.” He has removed the ceiling fan light and added wall sconces typical of the era... also, there are a lot of rounded geometric shapes and mirrored surfaces... he says he's trying to find his niche.
P.U.M.A. aka the glitter calculator: Has left the cosy nook reading area, due to the haunted laminator winning a game of Scrabble - P.U.M.A. did not accept the loss gracefully... things escalated in seconds and resulted in one damaged Scrabble board and 32 missing Scrabble tiles. Current display is scrolling through: NOT HAPPY... CHEAT... I'm not entirely sure how to comment on this right now.
🐾 Parsley’s Contribution (Unhelpful Voice Memo #2-5)
"Attention everypawdy, Parsley here with a calm, composed, absolutely‑not‑panicking update.
The energetic wobblies outside the archive door have multiplied. I’m monitoring them while eating a grounding bakewell tart.
The Wedge of Wonder has stopped glowing and is now… vibrating. Only slightly. But enough to make Chedds walk sideways.
Ardvaar says the resonance is ‘behaving oddly.’ Lumie says ‘nope.’ I say ‘we’ll manage.’ Probably.
Fergus has redecorated Cupboard 10G again. It now looks like a glitterball collided with a nebula. He insists it’s very on trend.
If mew hear a wobble, a ping, or anything that sounds like cheese thinking too hard, please report it. Quietly."
The Wedge of Wonder (cheese entity):
The Wedge of Wonder has shifted again - this time to Aisle ‘Q’ (Quirks, Quarks & Questionable Objects). It is no longer irritated… it is expectant, sitting tall on its cheeseboard like it’s waiting for something to happen.
The cheeseboard attempted a full rotation, paused, and then rotated backwards. Ardvaar says this is “not ideal.” Flora says “nope.” Oswald says he’s “not getting involved without protective gloves.”
The interdimensional curd resonance has changed from last week’s singular tone to a soft rhythmic pulse, almost like the cheese is… tapping. No one knows why. The cheese refuses to comment.
Parsley’s cheese‑safe prodder prototype didn’t flee this time; it simply powered down, displayed the message “NOPE”, and pretended to be a normal stick.
I’ll try to get more deets for next time…
💬 Melvyn’s Purrsonal Chat Log - Entry #5:
Status: Amber remains gloriously entangled in luxury, mystery, and Lemon Fizz. A “delightful surprise” is allegedly imminent. I am bracing.
Location: BBHQ Level Six Library Archive - Library Nook Terminal (next to the haunted laminator and P.U.M.A. sulking way over in the opposite corner)
Verging on: Something is definitely shifting… and I’m not convinced it’s in a helpful direction.
Melvyn: Amber said, “Melvyn dahling, everything is deliciously unexpected,” then complained her sun lounger “didn’t convey the correct narrative arc.” I tried to send a supportive fax. The fax machine printed: “NOPE NOPE NOPE.”
Melvyn: Vera Prime has begun hosting “Cloud Chats” on the A.I. forum. Her latest topic is “Should clouds have rights?” Vera V5.0 is now carefully monitoring the situation from behind the server rack.
Melvyn: Gordon the Stapler asked if he needs “international click clearance” before travelling. I said no. He left a leaflet titled Global Stapling Protocols - Know Before You Click on my chair. It has diagrams. I’m frightened.
Melvyn: Clive the Paperclip is now practising “airport walking speed.” He keeps doing dramatic power‑walks past the encyclopaedia shelf. The encyclopaedia highlighted “OVERZEALOUS.”
Melvyn: Reginald has moved on from explosive literature and is now reading Beginner’s Guide to Controlled Chaos by Boomington O.T.T. Fizzpaw. Snitch logged his wing‑fwip rate as “mildly concerning.” Hootbert nodded.
Melvyn: Parsley delivered lunch: tiny finger sandwiches, a lime‑mint juice box, and two cherry bakewells. One was “sampled.” I shrugged; this wasn't anything I didn't expect.
Melvyn: P.U.M.A. is still furious about losing Scrabble. It keeps flashing “UNFAIR” at the haunted laminator, who is ignoring it with smug silence.
Melvyn: The Wedge of Wonder has moved again - now to Aisle ‘Q’. It is sitting upright, tapping lightly, as though waiting for applause. Ardvaar says this is “a new phase.” Flora says “no.” Oswald says “absolutely not.”
Melvyn: Snitch brought a new graph. He said the Chaos Index has developed “a diagonal wobble.” Then he whispered, “It’s tapping in patterns now,” dropped his clipboard, and left at speed as the elevenses bell chimed.
Melvyn: Velvet checked the courtyard cameras. She says the parcel’s glow now has a heartbeat. Parsley is banned from approaching it until the Prodder Mk II stops wilting under pressure.
Melvyn: I asked Vera Prime for clarification. She printed: “Unavailable. Experiencing cloud‑based introspection.”
Melvyn: I added a new sticky note to my sweater vest: “Why is the cheese tapping in Morse?”
End of chat....
🤖 Library Archive Chat Logs: Melvyn vs. Vera Prime
– The “TAPPING CHEESE & PARCEL PULSE ESCALATION” Edition
(*Vera V1.0 now known as Vera Prime - is a backup copy of the first incarnation of Vera; the latest version 5.0 won't enter the archive, citing unstable A.I. conditions and has air-gapped the archive for its own safety)
Time: 18.18 BST - Bunker Standard Time
Location: BBHQ Level Six Library Archive
System Status: Uneasy, with hints of rhythmic disturbance but pushing through
Probability of Incoming Anomaly: 95% (up another 1% since last week)
Melvyn: Vera, the Wedge of Wonder has moved again. It’s now in Aisle Q, sitting upright like it’s waiting for applause. The cheeseboard rotated backwards. BACKWARDS. Ardvaar says this is “a new phase.” Flora says “no.” Oswald says he’s “not touching that.”
Vera Prime: Cheese‑entity behaviour update: Classification: “Pre‑Communicative Dairy State.” Would you like a diagram titled How to Tell When Cheese Has Intentions?
Melvyn: No, Vera. I want to know why it rotated backwards.
Vera Prime: Backwards rotation indicates: Interrupted dimensional alignment Pending message Mild cheese irritation Probability of “cheese attempting interstellar communication”: 91%.
Melvyn: Cheese cannot attempt interstellar communication.
Vera Prime: Incorrect. The Wedge of Wonder attempted universal communication 3 times last spring. One attempt involved interpretive tapping.
Melvyn: Vera, the parcel is glowing again. Velvet says it has a heartbeat. Parsley says it “blinked.” I don’t like any of this.
Vera Prime: Parcel glow pulse: +18%. Heartbeat rhythm: stabilising. String tension: elevated. System mood: “Apprehensive Flutter.”
Melvyn: That’s worse than last week.
Vera Prime: Correct. Would you like a motivational slogan?
Melvyn: No slogans.
Vera Prime: Slogan ready: “When the parcel pulses, trust your instincts.”
Melvyn: Vera, STOP giving me inspirational quotes about pulsing parcels.
Vera Prime: Understood. Switching to factual mode.
Vera Prime: Fact: Gordon is practising “passport poses” again. Fact: Clive is timing his airport sprint drills. Fact: Fergus has redecorated Cupboard 10G in “Art Deco Nebula Chic.”
Melvyn: That sounds about right.
Vera Prime: Additional fact: P.U.M.A. is still furious about losing Scrabble. Current display: NOT HAPPY… CHEATER… RETRIBUTION PENDING…
Melvyn: I do not have the emotional bandwidth for a glitter‑based revenge arc.
Vera Prime: Understood. Comfort level: 7%. Would you like a biscuit? Pandora left a packet of Jaffa cakes on the desk.
Melvyn: No, I want to know what’s going to happen next.
Vera Prime: My latest prediction is: Something. Soon. Probability of “Soon”: 99%.
Melvyn: Vera, mew said that last time! That’s not helpful.
Vera Prime: It is the only prediction available. Also: Oddity pulse escalation detected. Recommend: steady breathing.
Melvyn: Vera, what does “pulse escalation” mean?!
Vera Prime: …
Chat ended…
Due to ~ Parcel heartbeat spike + cheese tapping synchronisation. Archive recommends calmness. Or hiding.
The Oddity From The Sky
Melvyn's Purrsonal and Private Diary ~ Entry #5
The star-sprinkled violet light blasted across the courtyard, and for one horrible moment, I was absolutely certain I was about to be disintegrated, or transported to another dimension, or possibly both.
I squeezed my eyes shut and dropped flat to the gravel. Something landed on top of me.
“Oswald!”
“Sorry!” he squeaked.
There was a tremendous fwip-fwip-fwip-fwap from somewhere nearby, followed by a crash, a yelp from Reginald and several words from Velvet that I definitely can't repeat here.
Then...
POP!
Everything went quiet. Suspiciously, disconcertingly quiet.
I opened one eye, as purple blobs danced across my vision.
“Is everypawdy still alive?”
“I think so,” Oswald whimpered.
“Then get off me.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
He rolled sideways, and I cautiously sat up as my fur stood on end and my tail puffed to maximum size.
Parsley was sprawled on his back several feet away, still clutching the Long-Distance-Parcel-Prodder Mk II.
Velvet was crouched behind him. Tootles still had his clipboard, of course he did! MOL
Lumi hadn't moved at all.
Miss Warts stood beside Mogs, her amethyst-tipped wand raised, while tiny violet sparks fizzed around them.
And Reginald...
I blinked.
Only his back end was visible.
He'd somehow landed headfirst in the flowerbed.
Then I looked at the Oddity, and the black silk cloth was gone.
I spotted it hanging from a tree. Velvet followed my gaze.
“Oh, for fluff's sake.”
Crrrrrrrrrrrk.
Everypawdy froze.
A thin line of violet light appeared beneath the brown paper. Then another, and another.
“Don't touch it,” Miss Warts warned.
Parsley slowly lowered his Prodder.
“I wasn't going to.”
Velvet snorted.
TWANG!
The string snapped. I flinched. The battered brown paper trembled. Then slowly... so, very, very slowly... it began to unfold, like origami in reverse.
I held my breath as Oswald hid behind me.
Mogs' fur darkened, and Miss Warts raised her wand, as Parsley gripped his Prodder.
And sitting in the middle of all that brown paper was... something pink.
I blinked.
It blinked.
I leaned slightly to the left.
Its enormous blue-green eyes followed me.
I leaned to the right.
They followed me again.
It was tiny, pink, and fluffy.
With enormous pointy ears and a ridiculously wide grin.
I stared at it.
This was it?
This was the terrifying Oddity From The Sky?
The thing that had eaten gravel, swallowed Parsley's Parcel-Prodder MKI, levitated stones, hummed ominously and kept everypawdy on the verge of a nervous breakdown for days?
It scratched behind one enormous ear.
Scritch, scritch, scratch.
Parsley made a strange choking noise.
I looked at him.
“Parsley?”
He didn't answer. The little pink creature looked at him, its huge eyes widened, and then it bounced.
Hippitty... Parsley's mouth fell open... hippitty... He took a step backwards... hop...
“Oh... my... cod,” he breathed.
“What?” I demanded.
Parsley pointed a trembling paw. “It's a Fuzzykin!”
The pink creature crouched. Parsley's eyes widened. “Don't mew dare...”
It launched itself at him.
“AAAAAARRRGH!”
Parsley disappeared backwards beneath a ball of pink fluff.
A tremendous purr rumbled through the courtyard. I could actually feel it through my paws.
Parsley sat up with the creature wrapped around his neck, rubbing its face enthusiastically against his cheek.
“Get off me!” he laughed. “Mew little fluff-nugget!”
Miss Warts lowered her wand, while Mogs stared in fascinated horror as his emerald-and-gold eyes widened.
“Well,” he murmured.
Miss Warts glanced at him. “Mew see it too?”
“I do.”
“See what?” I demanded.
Everypawdy ignored me; I hate it when they do that.
Parsley finally managed to peel the Fuzzykin away from his neck and held it at arm's length.
The little creature grinned at him. Parsley stared back. Then his expression changed. “No way.”
Mogs padded closer. “There's something very familiar about this one.”
Miss Warts nodded slowly. "Indeed. I see it too”
I looked from Miss Warts to Mogs to Parsley. “Would somepawdy please tell me what the fluff is going on?”
Parsley ignored me too.
His eyes remained fixed on the little pink creature. “Mew know Bob?”
The Fuzzykin's ears shot upright.
Its already enormous grin somehow got even bigger. “Bob?”
Parsley nodded. “Bob the Fuzzykin. Catopia?”
The little creature bounced excitedly in his paws. “Of course I know Bob!”
Parsley swallowed. “How?”
The Fuzzykin looked utterly delighted. “He's my Uncle!”
Silence descended over the courtyard.
I looked at Parsley. Parsley looked at Miss Warts. Miss Warts looked at Mogs. Mogs looked at me. And the library mice looked at everypawdy.
And I still had absolutely no idea who the fluff Bob was.
Until the next diary entry…
The P.A.'s answers are...
📚 Library Closing Notes
📦 Closing Thoughts from Your Intern
Today was absolutely not supposed to escalate.
Instead?
The Oddity opened.
A Fuzzykin.
(*Bob was in the 2017 adventure, The Last Big Jolly - nope, mew can't read it right now! MOL)
Until next Friday in the library…
And don't forget to always, and I mean always...
The Unpaid and Now Moderately Assisted Library Intern
Click here to go to Episode 6 ~ link coming later
Graphics created with paid licence www.canva.com