**TOP SECRET - DO NOT READ WITHOUT CLEARANCE**
CLASSIFIED B TEAM FILES
**2016 REVISITED**
FAST, FURRY & DANGEROUS
Pawesome greetings supurr pals
Welcome to Part IV of our epically epic and rather explosive report ~ only available here, fur your eyes only in the CFR [Classified File Room], and if mew missed last weeks report, here's the link:
Part IV
**And Action!**
I took a breath and steadied my voice before answering. "Look here mew PITH-heads, bring it on!" I growled menacingly. "Mew want a war, mew've got one!"
"Mew scrawny liver-eating..."
BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...
"This call has been disconnected," said a robotic voice through the loudspeaker.
I stared at Snowy, then at the rest of the team. "Did mew manage to trace the call?"
"That's was odd," Snowy replied. "The line just cut out and we were five seconds from pinpointing their exact local."
"Furry odd indeed," I mused. "Tell me where did the trace stop?"
"A couple of clicks away somewhere in Fuskerton," Snowy answered.
"Humphrey send out a drone and see what mew can find out, ok?" I said quickly.
"I'm on it!" Humphrey said and scooted out of the control room.
* * *
Meanwhile in a telephone box literally just down the road in the neighbouring village of Fuskerton, [well Fuskerton East to be exact, or the Fuskerton Projects as we call it] the PITH were experiencing a few technical issues.
"This flipping, freaking, flipping rubbish satellite phone... %@*&... *%@£!" screeched the squirrel as he bashed it against the phone box. "And stop eating those nuts Gnosher, you're driving me insane!"
"Chill Ace, mew know I have to keep my nut levels up," Gnosher replied as he stared blankly out of the window. "Doctors orders!"
"Why won't this confounded phone wurk?" Ace screeched again.
"It's a pre-pay, did mew put the extra minutes on it like Dwight instructed?" Gnosher said absently. "Or if mew have some spare change call them back using the landline."
Ace's response is actually unprintable but needless to say neither phone survived.
A few moments later Gnosher said. "Ace, do we have any drones up at the moment?"
"Why?" Ace asked chewing on a Brazil nut to calm his nerves.
"No reason," Gnosher replied absently watching the approaching drone.
"Focus Gnosher and get a grip," Ace said icily suddenly wundering why he'd brought the stupid squirrel with him. "Why did mew ask me about drones?"
"There's one coming in at three o'clock," Gnosher said with a goofy grin spreading offur his face. "And it's so pretty with all those flashing lights on it."
Ace flipped, literally flipped. "AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He dragged Gnosher by the tail out of the telephone box and scampered towards the forest that separated Mewton-Clawson and Fuskerton.
"I need my nuts!" Gnosher cried out as he was unceremoniously removed leaving his nuts and gun behind.
* * *
The drone zoomed through the sky as Humphrey followed on his ATV zipping down the narrow country lanes. He kept pulling offur and stopping to watch the drones progress on the paw-held control unit. The small screen showing a burds-eye view of effurything. He engaged the thermal camera function and heat-seeking option on the screen and the drone sped up automatically zeroing in on the furst available heat-source; a field full of Friesian dairy cows who were in complete ignorance of how close they'd just come to being a burger feast. Aftur a quick recalibration, he grinned and opened a comms channel.
"Control this is Purredator One, put comms on channel two," he said. "I repeat comms on two."
"Copy that Purredator One," Snowie replied.
"Sending live data feed in three, two, one, mew should have a visual now," Humphrey said.
"Copy that," Snowy said again as the drones footage appeared on screen in the control room.
"Thermal camera and heat-seeking mode engaged."
"Good job Purredator One," I said. "Now what's the good news?"
The images flashed across the screen as the drone circled above the telephone box and then headed towards the tree line about fifty yards away.
"I'm wurking on that part," Humphrey replied. "But I've got to go off-road now and into the forest."
"Copy that Purredator One, offur and out," Snowie answered and then turned to me. "Is it really such a good idea that Humphrey's gone off the reservation on his own?"
"Mew know Humphrey, once he gets into the zone who knows what may happen," I answered thoughtfully. "Look he's not going engage eight loony PITH-heads, who are actually nuttier than a forest full of squirrels..." I thought about this some more. "But then again, he was watching the Purredator movies again last night, so him going full-on off the reservation is a high possibility right now. Just keep an eye on him ok?"
"I'm wurking on that part," Humphrey replied. "But I've got to go off-road now and into the forest."
"Copy that Purredator One, offur and out," Snowie answered and then turned to me. "Is it really such a good idea that Humphrey's gone off the reservation on his own?"
"Mew know Humphrey, once he gets into the zone who knows what may happen," I answered thoughtfully. "Look he's not going engage eight loony PITH-heads, who are actually nuttier than a forest full of squirrels..." I thought about this some more. "But then again, he was watching the Purredator movies again last night, so him going full-on off the reservation is a high possibility right now. Just keep an eye on him ok?"
* * *
Ace and Gnosher scampered deeper into the trees until they came to a small clearing.
Ace rounded on Gnosher and said. "Gimme that walnut mew freak!"
He lunged forward and snatched the walnut from Gnosher.
He lunged forward and snatched the walnut from Gnosher.
"Awwwwww Ace that was my last nut until we get back to base!" Gnosher moaned as Ace jumped up the nearest tree with the big juicy nut.
Sitting high up in the branches, the two PITH-heads sat as still as two squirrels could. Ace slowly gnawed on the nut while Gnosher looked on dejectedly. Aftur a few moments of silence Gnosher said. "Ace, I can hear that drone again."
Ace stopped eating and zoned in on the incoming drone.
"Get as close to the trunk as possible," he whispered. "There's no way we can make a run fur it now, they'll bag and tag us fur sure."
"I knew we should have brought a radio with us," Gnosher said.
"Well, why didn't mew?" Ace snapped.
"Because mew said we'd got the satellite phone," Gnosher replied. "But if I'd brought a radio, we could have contacted the guys and..."
Ace punched him in the mouth and growled. "Shut up imbecile!"
* * *
Two small blobs appeared on-screen nestled high in the trees as the thermal data streamed live to the control room.
"Control this is Purredator One, copy?" Humphrey said.
"Copy Purredator One," Snowie replied.
"Target acquired, on-screen, purrlease advise," Humphrey inquired.
I looked at the screen and pondered the possibilities fur a moment.
Amber said coolly. "I think we should exterminate them, fluffing tree-rats."
I gave her a look and shook my head. "Think of the lost bounty if we do that," I replied. "We need to bring 'em back alive."
She mumbled an unspeakable under her breath and then conceded. "OK, but with my share of the bounty I'm adding a beauty parlour and spa to the bunker."
I shrugged and said. "Sure thing, whateffur makes mew happy as long as it's on level eight."
"Purredator One this is Control," Snowie said. "Opurrations says to track only, I repeat track only. DO NOT ENGAGE."
"Copy that," Humphrey answered calmly. "Sending drone into stealth mode now." Then he added to himself, "And I'm going into full Purredator mode, total chameleon HOOAH!"
The whining noise of the small drone motor suddenly went silent as the picture continued to live stream.
* * *
Gnosher was rubbing his jaw as Ace peered up through the foliage.
"Can mew here that?" Ace asked, ears pricked and on alert.
Gnosher shrugged.
"The drone... listen..." Ace instructed his rather dim comrade.
"Can't hear a thing," Gnosher replied as he listened intently.
"It's gone," Ace smirked and began to laugh. "I told mew that stupid Basil cat had cheap, substandard equipment, probably the battery failed and it crashed into the forest... stupid pussy!"
The two squirrels laughed so hard they nearly fell out of the tree.
A short while later the chuckling pair scampered through the forest towards their secret base camp.
Upon entering their camp, they noticed it was conspicuously quiet.
"Where's the team?" Gnosher asked.
Ace scanned the trees and then pointed skywards. "Up top, let's go."
"Where's the team?" Gnosher asked.
Ace scanned the trees and then pointed skywards. "Up top, let's go."
* * *
"Purredator One, this is Control do mew copy?"
"Affurmative Control," Humphrey said softly.
"What's the good news?" I asked.
"Control, the PITH have no idea we're still tracking them," Humphrey whispered. "I've moved closer to the forest, live streaming is not possible at this time but I'll keep mew posted, offur and out."
"Control out," Snowie answered just as the control room screens went dark.
"Snowie," I said. "Humphrey seems to have the surveillance mission under control, so I'm going to take a little road trip to see our old furriend Dwight Dastardly, are mew OK here?" I asked.
Snowie nodded. "All ok and Amber's here, so I have back up."
"Good. I'll be a few hours, but any purroblem let me know," I said heading out of the control room. "I'll be on the long-range comms unit, channel eight if mew need me."
I'd just stepped into the corridor when Smoochie and Parsley bounded up to me.
"Basil we have the list!" Smoochie said waving a piece of paper at me.
"Give it to Amber so she can purruse it ok?" I replied.
"Where are mew going?" Parsley asked.
"I'm going to see my old pal Dwight Dastardly."
"Who?" Smooch asked as he dashed into the control room and back out again shouting instructions to Amber.
Then I remembered they weren't in on that part of the conversation, so I filled them in as we walked towards the elevator.
We descended to level four and the elevator doors pinged open. I scanned the huge garage and decided what wheels to take.
"Can we come Basil?" Smooch asked.
"Yes, can we come Basil?" Parsley asked.
In that moment I knew there was no way I was going on this mission alone.
"OK," I said. "But don't touch anything when we get there and don't say anything either, just let me do all the talking."
"Sure, absolutely, no touching and defo no talking!" Smooch grinned and winked at Parsley.
"Scouts honour!" Parsley concurred raising his paw.
I sighed inwardly and reached fur a set of keys from the key cabinet.
"We'll take that one," I said heading towards one of my favourite vehicles.
"Yeah!" Smooch whooped and paw-bumped Parsley.
"Purredator One, this is Control do mew copy?"
"Affurmative Control," Humphrey said softly.
"What's the good news?" I asked.
"Control, the PITH have no idea we're still tracking them," Humphrey whispered. "I've moved closer to the forest, live streaming is not possible at this time but I'll keep mew posted, offur and out."
"Control out," Snowie answered just as the control room screens went dark.
"Snowie," I said. "Humphrey seems to have the surveillance mission under control, so I'm going to take a little road trip to see our old furriend Dwight Dastardly, are mew OK here?" I asked.
Snowie nodded. "All ok and Amber's here, so I have back up."
"Good. I'll be a few hours, but any purroblem let me know," I said heading out of the control room. "I'll be on the long-range comms unit, channel eight if mew need me."
I'd just stepped into the corridor when Smoochie and Parsley bounded up to me.
"Basil we have the list!" Smoochie said waving a piece of paper at me.
"Give it to Amber so she can purruse it ok?" I replied.
"Where are mew going?" Parsley asked.
"I'm going to see my old pal Dwight Dastardly."
"Who?" Smooch asked as he dashed into the control room and back out again shouting instructions to Amber.
Then I remembered they weren't in on that part of the conversation, so I filled them in as we walked towards the elevator.
We descended to level four and the elevator doors pinged open. I scanned the huge garage and decided what wheels to take.
"Can we come Basil?" Smooch asked.
"Yes, can we come Basil?" Parsley asked.
In that moment I knew there was no way I was going on this mission alone.
"OK," I said. "But don't touch anything when we get there and don't say anything either, just let me do all the talking."
"Sure, absolutely, no touching and defo no talking!" Smooch grinned and winked at Parsley.
"Scouts honour!" Parsley concurred raising his paw.
I sighed inwardly and reached fur a set of keys from the key cabinet.
"We'll take that one," I said heading towards one of my favourite vehicles.
"Yeah!" Smooch whooped and paw-bumped Parsley.
"Dude," Parsley beamed as we got into the hummer. "This vehicle is rad!"
I smirked and replied. "I know."
We drove in silence most of the way to Dwight Dastardly's compound. Smooch and Parsley seemed transfixed with all the other motorists staring at us as we motored along, I mean mew'd think that peeps had neffur seen three cats driving a hummer before.
"Basil," Smooch finally said. "Do mew actually have a driving license?"
"Oh sure," I answered waving my paw dismissively smiling inwardly as I thought how much the license had cost me. "And I've got fully comp insurance too, mew have no idea how hard that was to get."
"I can imagine," Smooch murmured.
"How long till we get there?" Parsley asked as he began to fidget in his seat.
"Round the next corner," I laughed.
"Really?" Parsley said.
"Yes really," I replied as we turned on to a single track lane. "It's only a few miles down here."
"Thank Bast fur that," Parsley said. "I'm nearly piddling myself."
Smooch began to chuckle. "Looks like I'm not the only piddle-pants today!"
"Ha ha ha!" Parsley grumbled, then added. "But I haven't actually pee'd myself yet."
"Children, stop it!" I ordered as we drove through the solid metal gates into the compound.
It was surrounded on three sides by dense woodland and if mew looked at it from an aerial view there was nothing fur miles around, it was the purrfect location fur a dodgy dealer in arms and ammunitions. A double-skin chain-link fence topped with three rows of razor-wire encompassed the huge compound and at its centre was a shed the size of an aircraft hanger. Rows and rows of all models of military vehicles were lined up by type and Smooch gasped as he saw all the toys he been dreaming of furever in the flesh.
"Basil..." he began.
"NO," I answered.
"But..." he tried again.
"NO!"
"I..."
"NO!"
"Awwwwww, mew're no fun!" he mumbled.
"I told mew both, no touching and no talking," I reminded them as I parked up in front of the hanger. "Stay in the hummer and don't move." Then I added. "Parsley out, go piddle and get back in."
Parsley grinned as he clambered offur Smooch and fell out of the door and raced behind the hummer.
I wandered into the hanger and headed towards the office through a myriad of artillery weapons and smaller military vehicles. The smell of diesel, petrol, engine oil and gun oil filled my nostrils and I inhaled the aroma's and grinned like a cat in a catnip factory, I loved this place. Heading along a row of second world war Wyllis jeeps I rounded the corner and admired a new batch of Alvis FV603 Saracens, making a mental note to get one asap.
"Dwight!" I called out as I approached the office which was an old converted twenty-foot shipping container. "Dwight where are mew? It's me, Basil!"
I stood listening but heard nothing. I poked my head through the door that had been cut into the side of the container but it was empty inside and a lot messier than usual.
"That's strange," I muttered and began to walk around the inside of the hanger admiring all the new tech, weapons and downright delicious ex-MOD goods that were on offur. I called out again as it seemed just too quiet, usually, there were four or five yard-dudes wurking on the vehicles or doing whateffur arms dealers usually do... enuff said about that.
There was a metallic crash behind me and I spun around to see Smooch and Parsley purrtending they didn't just knock a pile of AK47's on the floor. The pair of them stared at the ceiling whistling the tune from the Great Escape and looked at anything but me.
Smooch suddenly pointed up into the gloomy rafters and opened his mouth.
"Shhhhhh!" I snapped. "What did I tell mew both, no touching and no talking!"
Parsley began to jab his paw towards the ceiling, Smooch followed suit.
"Oh fur all that is merciful, give me strength," I muttered and just as I was about to look up my comms unit buzzed. I tapped the headset. "Basil here."
I could hear Snowie's voice on the crackly line. "Basil, we have a situation," she began.
"Go ahead," I replied turning my back on the two heathens.
"A package has just been delivered and it's ticking," she said her voice filled with dread.
"Recall Humphrey immediately and get the package into the bomb detonation room asap," I sighed heavily calculating how long it would take us to get back. "Wheel it in on the trolley and try not to shake it. Do not do anything else till I get back, ok?"
"Copy that, offur and out!" Snowie replied.
I turned around to see Smooch and Parsley still silently staring into the rafters, waving their paws around madly.
"Can this day get any more bizarre?" I muttered under my breath as I peered up towards the ceiling. It took a moment fur my eyes to adjust to the gloom and then I realized what I was looking at.
"Jumping jeepers and smoke me a kipper!" I choked out not quite believing what I was seeing.
My comms unit buzzed again. "Basil, Humphrey's gone AWOL!" Snowie said urgently.
"OH HECK!" I answered.
** And Cut **
It's that time of the post again, when we bet mew've more questions than mew can shake your tail at!
Such as:
OMC How could mew leave us hanging like that and we've got a whole day to wait?!!
Those PITH-heads are really quite nuts, literally, how will mew deal with that?
Gnosher seems a little slow, what's his deal?
Ace seems rather unhinged and purrobably capable of anything, is he the PITH-heads leader?
Will Humphrey be ok in the forest on his own, doing recon with a stealth drone?
And speaking of stealth drones, can we get one?
Does Dwight Dastardly sell them and if so how much?
Where is Dwight, and his yard-dudes?
And when did Parsley and Smooch learn sign language?
etc...
We're sure mew purrobably have many more but to be honest we can't think of any right now as a whole new really intense situation has just flared up!
Many thanks fur joining us fur our epic re-run of
FAST, FURRY & DANGEROUS
Don't furget to sneak back into the CLASSIFIED FILE ROOM next week fur Part V
Until then
DON'T GO OUT OF THE GARDEN!!!
Bestest purrs
Commander Basil
&
Click here to go to the next report in Episode 5
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