**TOP SECRET - DO NOT READ WITHOUT CLEARANCE**
CLASSIFIED B TEAM FILES
**2016 REVISITED**
FAST, FURRY & DANGEROUS
Pawesome greetings supurr pals
Welcome to Part V of our epically epic and rather explosive report ~ only available here, fur your eyes only in the CFR [Classified File Room], and if mew missed any reports, here are the links:
Part V
**And Action!**
I took a moment as I let the last few minutes events assimilate in my brain.
Looking at Smooch and Parsley, who were still staring up at the ceiling and using sign language to communicate with each other, which in itself was beyond hilarious, but as we're midst a perilous situation we'll leave the hilarity fur another time.
"Parsley, Smooch!" I began. "Mew seriously understand all that paw waving malarkey?"
"Basil," Smooch replied most earnestly. "Parsley and I developed our furry own sign language."
I raised an eyebrow. "Really, so what were mew both saying?"
"Dude," Parsley answered. "That is classified."
I gave them a paw gesture of my own.
"That was rude!" they both said in unison.
"Look, Humphrey's gone AWOL and..." I pointed towards the ceiling. "We've got that little issue to deal with!"
We all stared ceiling-wards.
Five white, wispy cocoons were hanging from the rafters, with the victims eyes only just visible, and they were covered in a tangle of black fibres.
"What could have possibly done that?" I thought aloud as my torch beam cut through the gloom. A cold shiver ran up and down my spine as I pondered the possibilities of what could have caused such a thing.
"We think there's some big-ass arachnid thingy up there," Smooch said calmly.
I looked at him, and then at Parsley, eyebrows raised and said with surprise. "Really?"
"Dude, have mew neffur seen Lord of the Rings with that freaky big-ass spider?" he asked.
I put the search button on in my brain and then blurted. "Shelob!"
Parsley and Smooch high-fived.
"Mew owe me one bag of primo catnip!" Smooch said with a satisfied smirk. "I told mew he'd know it."
Parsley laughed, "No problem, little buddy, I bow to your superior wisdom."
"Mew bet on me knowing that?" I asked incredulously.
They nodded and grinned.
'Could this day get any more bizarre,' I thought.
"Ok, we need a plan," I said swiftly. "We've got five weasels in blankets and Humphrey AWOL."
"Humphrey's not AWOL," Parsley interrupted. "He's MIA behind enemy lines."
"I thought mew said there were five yard-dudes plus Dwight," Smooch said suddenly pointing at the five cocoons. "There's one yard-dude missing."
I pondered this fur a moment. "Dudes, this is real bad," I breathed as another wave of uber creepiness washed offur me, then added. "Purrhaps someone had a day off."
Parsley broke the unnatural silence. "Basil, let's deal with the ceiling-dude situation, then when we get back to Mewton-Clawson, I'll go full purredator-mode and go scope out the enemy territory and find Humphrey, ok?"
I nodded, as there was nothing else I could do. "Ok, let's get a ladder and get the yard-dudes down."
We'd taken one small step when the prickly tendrils of apprehension began to creep all offur my skin, making my fur quiver with a life of its own as an icky crunching noise echoed through the warehouse.
I shone the torch all around the ceiling but saw nothing, then a big pile of goo splattered on the concrete floor a couple of yards away. We jumped back and screamed like gurls as we looked at the floor.
"Dude," Parsley whispered. "Mew don't think that was yard-dude number five, do mew?"
The light beam hit the floor as I looked at the steaming red, sloppy pile of goo and grimaced at a couple of tiny bones sticking out and what appeared to be the remains of entrails. The stench was like ten-day-old rotten flesh covered in a dollop of rank manure and was enough to make mew chuck, chunder, toss cookies, etc... anyhoo mew get the drift.
"Yep, that's defo one yard-dude!" I nodded sadly and then added. "We need weapons, like fast!"
"Good job, we're in an arms warehouse then," Smooch smirked widely.
[Mew know sometimes I really wunder about him and his sanity-chip.]
"Get to it," I ordered. "We need some serious firepower like now."
Just as we ran fur the guns section, an eerie scuttling sound echoed around the building, like a supurr fast tip-tapping but with more than two legs; it was spine-tingling terrifying.
"Oh heck," I murmured as I saw shadowy movement in the gloom of the ceiling. Then I shouted as I ran fur cover. "We're gonna need bigger guns!"
* * *
Meanwhile, back at the bunker.
"Purredator One, this is Control, copy?" Snowie kept saying offur and offur into her comms unit.
Amber nudged her. "Snowie, he's either lost his comms or has decided to do something really stupid."
"That's what wurries me, the doing something stupid part," Snowie sighed heavily.
"Look, we've got to move that ticking parcel asap," Amber said. "Come on, I've got the trolley outside."
Amber fetched the wheeley platform trolley, and they both lifted the ticking box onto it with extreme care.
"Be supurr careful!" Amber warned as Snowie's paw suddenly slipped, and the trolley scooted away, careening down the corridor.
They chased aftur it and caught it just before it hit the end wall.
"Phew!" Snowie murmured. "That was close!"
"Too close," Amber agreed. "Now, let's get this hot tick-tocky item in the bomb disposal room like yesterday."
They trundled the ticking parcel into the bomb disposal room as a snails-pace, gently removed it from the trolley and beat a hasty retreat.
The extra-thick reinforced steel doors swooshed shut, and they both stood on the trolley and looked through the windows.
"Do mew think it's on a timer or..." Snowie paused and gulped. "A remote detonator?"
Amber shrugged. "Snowie, I'm sure I don't know, but if it's ticking, it can't be good."
"Well, at least it's in the most secure room in the bunker, so if it is remotely detonated or the timer counts down, hopefully we'll be ok," Snowie replied anxiously.
"Oh, we'll be fine if it goes off now," Amber reassured her. "I saw the schematics fur this room, and let me tell mew, Basil did a pawesome job. We've got no wurries."
Snowie gave her a weak smile and said. "That's ok then, now let's go see if Humphrey's back online."
* * *
The scuttling tip-tappy sounds got faster, louder and wurst of all, closer.
My heart pounded, and my breathing sped up as I peered up again and saw...
...the meanest big-ass spider in the known history of arachnids. And to make matters a gazillion times wurse I knew exactly when I'd seen it before.
It was October 31st 2006 to be precise, when back in the day as a F.I.B. Agent, there was a case I was wurking on. Obviously, that's still classified, but I can say that I did put this same big-ass spider in the Dungeon all those years ago, and those stupid P.I.T.H.-heads had brought it with them here.
And now I also knew why Dwight and the yard-dudes hadn't made a sound; this purrticular big-ass spider secreted a thick, green-gooey venom that rendered its victims into a state of total paralysis yet with their minds still wide-awake. A most terrifying and truly ghastly predicament to be in, like effur.
'Oh fur freaking, freaking flips sake, can it get any wurse!' I thought.
"Smooch, Parsley!" I yelled urgently, suddenly realising they'd forked off down another aisle and weren't with me anymore.
No answer came, and my mind began to race as I sprinted towards the back of the warehouse, where I knew Dwight kept some rather tasty items in a special room behind a hidden door.
I carefully opened the secret door to the hidden room, hoping the hinges didn't creak and prayed that Parsley and Smooch had got armed to the teeth and were hiding out or purrparing an ambush.
Not bothering with the light switch, I just swung my torch beam around the room until I saw what I hoped was in there. The relief that flooded my system when I saw the furry thing I needed was beyond immense. I nearly whooped with joy as I snatched it from the wall. Noticing several armoured vests and night-vision goggles on a trellis table, I picked up the nearest vest and tried it on fur size.
"Purrfect fit," I mumbled and grabbed a set of night vision goggles.
As I got tooled up, Smooch and Parsley had dashed to the AK47 display table and got weaponed up and snagged as many spare clips as they could cram into a backpack they'd found. Huddling under the table, they peered through the gloom and saw the big-ass spider lowering supurr slowly from the ceiling. Green goo dripping from its ginormous fangs and sizzling as it splattered to the floor in little green blobs.
"Flipping freaking muther-fluffer, just look at the size of that behemoth... It looks rabid too!" Smooch gasped as he flicked the safety off his gun.
Parsley did the same and pointed his AK47 straight at the descending arachnid. "Ready when mew are Smooch!" he whispered. "We're going to fill that freaker with lead."
"On my mark," Smooch advised and took a steadying breath releasing it fully as his paw slowly squeezed the trigger. "Fire!"
Both guns unleashed a rain of bullets, but the big-ass spider seemed to manoeuvre effortlessly out of the way of the bullets and drop to the floor, scuttling at unnatural speed towards the back of the warehouse.
I heard the bullets and launched from the hidden room, feeling a little more protected in my flak-jacket and moved silently into the darkness. The gunfire ceased, and I heard Smooch call out. "Reload!"
Turning the night-vision goggles on in the pitch-black gloom of the back of the warehouse, my view on the wurld suddenly changed to all green. It was at that moment the big-ass spider came scuttling towards me, and I waited until it was about three yards away and squeezed the trigger on my primed flame thrower.
Fire erupted from the barrel at an unprecedented speed and engulfed that big-ass eight-legged freak.
I was screaming my bestest war cry as the heat intensified and the jet of fire got bigger; the smell of burning hair and cooking flesh filled my nose as the behemoth arachnid roasted. I wanted to gag as the fetid foulness plumed into the air with the thick black smoke.
This was the night vision view - cool, huh?
Smooch and Parsley came hurtling towards the back of the warehouse, leaping up onto a pile of wooden packing crates either side of the aisle; taking up elevated positions, they unleashed merry hell on the evil arachnid. As I toasted that muther-fluffer to a crispy-creme or I should say burnt-offuring! MOL [Actually BBQing will neffur be the same aftur this!]
A few moments later, I released the trigger on the flame thrower, yet the rain of bullets continued.
"New clip," Parsley yelled as the arachnids screams began to abate just a smidge.
"Me too!" Smooch yelled back and tossed a clip across the aisle.
There were two clicking sounds, and then bullets continued to puncture the sizzling, burning spider. I watched as they advanced closer, jumping down onto lower boxes and closer still until they were firing at nearly point-blank range.
The air was filled with gun-smoke, hot metal, toasted rotten arachnid and the stench of fear, not ours, the arachnids.
Several empty clips later, Smooch yelled. "Do mew think it's dead?"
We were all a bit deaf from the concussive gunfire sound.
"What?" I shouted.
"Do mew think it's dead?" Smooched yelled again.
I was just about to prod it with a long stick I'd found when it lurched forward. Parsley had just reloaded and unleashed the whole clip into the arachnids head. It slumped to the floor and twitched a couple of times before it melted into a big black and green puddle, releasing a final plume of the most disgusting smelling gas as its final farewell.
"It is now!" Parsley grinned as he lowered his gun.
"It is now!" Parsley grinned as he lowered his gun.
We backed away, as the smell was too vile fur wurds, and we needed some fresh air. A few minutes passed, and our hearing slowly returned to semi-normal; well, at least we weren't shouting anymore.
"Dude, we annihilated Shelob's really ugly relation!" Parsley smirked. "That was the rarest thing I've done so far, high-five Smooch."
They slapped and then bumped their paws together.
"Yeah, man, that was fluffing pawesome!" Smooch agreed as he turned to me. "Basil, can we take one of those flame throwers home?"
I grinned and laughed. "We've already got five back in the bunker."
"Nice," Smooch and Parsley said together.
"I think we'd better release Dwight and his yard-dudes before I call this one in," I said, wundering how I was going to explain this to C.J., then I wundered what C.J. was doing on Level 8 with Horice. 'I bet he's sunning himself on a really comfy lounger drinking a coconut niptini, lucky cat!'
"Give me a few moments," Parsley said and scampered off. He was back in no time and said. "Yep, we can get them down now."
I gave him a quizzical look and asked. "Do I want to know what mew just did?"
Parsley gave me his toothiest grin saying, "Smooch, mew and me dude can take whateffur we want, and Dwight says thanks!"
"Oh hell no!" I replied.
* * *
Meantime back in the bunker.
The comms channel crackled in the control room, and Snowie almost jumped out of her fur.
Humphrey said. "Control this is Purredator One come in."
"Copy Purredator One, this is Control," Snowie answered.
"I've just spotted five hostiles heading towards Mewton-Clawson; I repeat five hostiles on the move!" Humphrey whispered, and the line went dead.
** And Cut **
It's that time of the post again, when we bet mew've more questions than mew can shake your tail at!
Such as:
OMC How could mew leave us hanging like that, and we've got two whole days to wait?!!
Jeez, that was some big-ass spider; how the flip did mew bring him down before?
On a scale of one to ten, how bad was the smell when mew were roasting it?
Did frying his ass really put mew off having future BBQ's?
Did mew really scream like gurls when yard-dude number six splatted on the floor in a big pile of icky boneless goo?
How will mew deal with the ticking parcel?
Did Dwight really say that Parsley and Smooch could have anything they wanted from his compound?
That flame thrower looked dangerous. Have mew toasted anything else with one, like marshmallows?
Can we learn Parsley and Smooch's secret sign language?
Ooooh tell us more about the coconut niptini's?
Do mew have any spare night vision goggles?
etc...
We're sure mew purrobably have many more, but to be honest we can't think of any right now as we've got to release Dwight & the yard-dudes, get some questions of our own answered and then get back to Mewton-Clawson like yesterday!
Many thanks fur joining us fur our epic re-run of
FAST, FURRY & DANGEROUS
Don't furget to sneak back into the CLASSIFIED FILE ROOM next Wednesday for Part VI.
Until then
DON'T GO OUT OF THE GARDEN!!!
Epic purrs
Commander Basil
&
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