Welcome to
Happy Monday, furry floofers
Welcome to another episode of Cats Have Purroblems Too, where I give epically epic advice to cats with despurrate dilemmas too great for them to solve alone.
And if mew're wondering why mew haven't heard of this before, well, dearest furiends this was a regular segment I ran many years ago, and sadly the original posts are now archived.
But it's back now, so take a seat and read today's despurrate dilemma and my solution.
Also, mew may be pondering on what my professional credentials are, so purrlease purruse the list below:
Ph.D. in Kitty Psychology & Psychiatry
BSc (Hons) Headology
Psy.D. Furry Logic
MS. Fuzzy Logic
MA. Common Sense
My other Professional Credits include:
NOM Master
Snoozy Savant
Purr Master
AdvoCat of T.L. Treatment
Touchy Feely Therapy or T.F.T
Purrfume Aroma Treatment or P.A.T.
I can help mew to solve all your Pet Peeves, Purrsonal Problems and Despurrate Dilemmas, no matter how great or small they may be.
Plus, I only use the very latest techniques, some of which I have developed myself over my long and esteemed career, which include:
Purr Therapy ~ For Uptight and Particularly Stressed Kitties
Nom Zen ~The Art of Nomming in Total Tranquility
ZZZ's Snooze Sensation ~ Including Mewsical CatNap Sessions tailored to your purrsonal requirements
YogiCat Meditation ~ Stretches and Breathing Techniques for the Severely Stressed & Overworked
Intense CatNip Therapy ~ This treatment speaks for itself (I find it very beneficial)
I am also an AdvoCat of Tough Love coupled with a healthy dose of common kitty sense
Purrfume Aroma Treatment ~ A Sensory Smelling Session S.S.S. to calm and soothe with highly aromatic blends of specially selected scents
To help mew release all your stresses and worries just drop by my clinic held here or, alternatively email me your purroblem, and I'll answer here. If mew require to remain anonymous or anon, purrlease include that in your email.
Mew can contact me directly at the following address:
DearDrBasil (at) gmail (dot) com
So come and sit on my supurr comfy couch, reee-lax, breathe deeply and tell me of your troubles, as I'm ready, willing and able to help.
This is one of my cases via email:
Am I completely NUTZ?
Dear Dr Basil
Please can mew help me? I have a little purroblem, just a smidgen of one that I would like to put out of the cat flap once and for all! Mew see I’m getting on a bit and have always been an adventurous kind of kitty until very recently.
It was like this; I went after this squirrel, it was one of those really noisy little nutters, big teeth and an even bigger bushy tail. Anyhoo, I digress, so one day this Nut-Job comes on my patio and starts stealing my nutz from the bird feeder. How else am I going lure those flying snack packs into my garden without nutz? So this cheeky little Nut-Job is there on the patio, big teeth and everything, really giving it to the bird feeder, trying to steal the flying snack pack bait.
This made my fur bristle, my hackles stand on end, and my tail suddenly exploded into the size of a really good feather duster. I looked furry impurresive, I might add, all puffed up and looking uber mean and furry big. So I bounced, back arched and teeth showing towards this Nutz Thief, and I gave him my meanest glare, the kind of look that renders rodents rooted to the spot, quivering in their final moments. Mew would think it would have had the same effect on the Nut-Job, but no, this hubris arrogant Nutz Bandito turned and launched himself off the birdfeeder and straight at me, screaming his ear-splitting war cry. Now this is NOT what I was expecting, it really caught me off guard, and I bounced back a step, the Nut-Job saw this as weakness and leapt at me.
Well, let’s just say he came off far worse than I did, I chased him up the nearest tree, all the way to the top and there we stood, it was a stalemate, and neither of us was backing down. He was chattering and gnashing his nutty little teeth, and I meowed my loudest, meanest meow as we swayed in the branches.
Then the hooman comes running out of the house, seeing me teetering at the top of a 50ft pine tree on a twiglet of a branch going berserk at the squirrel, she faints. I tried to do a double shufty and back down the tree to see if she was alright but found I was stuck, and that’s when it all went wrong. The Nut-Job lunged at me, I ducked, and he catapulted himself into the neighbouring tree just out of my reach. I was so furry angry at this I forgot all about my hooman on the ground in a rather inelegant heap.
In my total obsessive focus to bring the Nutz Thief to justice, I didn’t even see the big red truck, with huge ladders pull up as I was clinging to the tree. I never even noticed the ladders going up the trunk, I was so incensed with getting that cheeky squirrel, I was a gnats whisker away when suddenly I was grabbed from behind and thrust into a pet carrier and lowered to the ground by a fireman. I was totally outraged, I meowed by furry best caterwaul all the way down and was promptly rushed into the house and examined by a VET!
Now I’m being kept locked inside, and the Nut-Job comes every day to taunt me and steal my nutz, what do I do?
Yours most frustrated and ready to NOM that Nut-Job big time
Cecil the Destroyer
(Whispering Pines)
This is my Expert Reply
Today I use the colour TEAL, as it will quell the anger and dowse those ferocious flames of fury. In other words its purrfect fur this purroblem.
Dear Cecil
So mew are under house arrest, and the Nut-Job is free to roam and steal your nutz? That is so unfair, I’m feeling your pain in my supurr plush bunker office - I’m in agony for you. So let’s cut to the chase and sort this purroblem out.
Mew need your outside privileges fully restored, and then mew need to ambush that Nut-Job and kick him to the curb asap, so this is my course of action for mew.
5 Steps to Freedom
1. Make sure mew spend every moment with your hooman. Make sure mew sit on her lap at every opportunity and also that she hears mew purr, so do it LOUDLY.
2. After a couple of days of uber clinginess and total devotion towards your hooman, mew need to change tactics entirely, so at this point, begin to spend your time in windows looking over the garden. She will soon notice that mew are absent.
3. She will see mew sitting in the window, make sure mew are staring longingly outside. Give her a quick pitiful glance, stare at the floor, then slowly walk away and lie behind the sofa or some other suitable large and cumbersome piece of furniture.
4. Repeat steps 2 & 3 until the guilt chip registers and is fully engaged, and she finally caves in and opens the door.
5. Step through the open door, mew are free again.
On to plan B. ‘Dealing with the Nut-Job'. Now this squirrel sounds like quite a nutcase, so I think we need a nutty plan and out-nut the nutter.
Seven Steps to Jettison a Nut-Job
1.
Start by putting a few nuts on the ground and wait for Nut-Job.
2.
Follow Nut-Job in total stealth and find out where his hide-out is.
3.
Watch Nut-job, monitor his activities, and get a sense of what a Nut-Job
does all day.
4.
Empty his secret nut stash from the secret den if possible and hide.
5.
Ambush Nut-Job at your furst opportunity after that. He will be so
startled, this will give mew the purrfect chance to grab his nuts and run.
6.
Nut-Job may give chase, if so, head directly back to the house at high
speed and taunt Nut-Job with the filched nuts through the window.
7.
This should incite the Nut-Job to behave so irrationally and crazy
that your human will all the Humane Pest Control Peeps to come and remove
the offender once and for all. Voila, your prayers are answered and mew have a
Nut-Job free garden, plus the Nut-Job gets moved on to a more rural home, far,
far far away from mew.
After applying these simple steps, mew should find yourself in back your Zen Harmonies Zone (Z.H.Z). in no time, and I would also recommend a few days of Purrfume Aroma Therapy (P.A.T.) just to give mew that extra bit of relaxation purrfection.
Cecil, I do hope that The Cats have Purroblems Too Clinic has helped mew today, and if mew need any further consultations, purrlease don't hesitate to MEOW me!
Yours most sincerely
Dr. Basil
@ The Cats have Purroblems Too Clinic T.M.
________________________________
Today's Moral Code is:
~
~ Don't get mad, get even! ~
~ _________________________________
If mew can relate to Cecil's problem or feel that mew need any assistance, purrlease leave a comment to: Dear Dr Basil with your dilemma or email me directly, and I'll get back to mew.
Thank mew all for joining me today at The Cats have Purroblems Too Clinic, and I'll be back next Monday with another open clinic and a brand new case study.
Until then, Keep Calm and Purr on
Dr Basil
Ph.D. ~ BSc. (Hons) ~ Psy.D. ~ M.S. ~ M.A.
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