Looking at Smooch and Parsley, who were still staring up at the ceiling and using sign language to communicate with each other, which in itself was beyond hilarious, but as we're midst a perilous situation we'll leave the hilarity fur another time.
"Parsley, Smooch!" I began. "Mew seriously understand all that paw waving malarkey?"
"Basil," Smooch replied most earnestly. "Parsley and I developed our furry own sign language."
I raised an eyebrow. "Really, so what were mew both saying?"
"Dude," Parsley answered. "That is classified."
I gave them a paw gesture of my own.
"That was rude!" they both said in unison.
"What could have possibly done that?" I thought aloud as my torch beam cut through the gloom. A cold shiver ran up and down my spine as I pondered the possibilities of what could have caused such a thing.
"We think there's some big-ass arachnid thingy up there," Smooch said calmly.
I looked at him, and then at Parsley, eyebrows raised and said with surprise. "Really?"
"Dude, have mew neffur seen Lord of the Rings with that freaky big-ass spider?" he asked.
I put the search button on in my brain and then blurted. "Shelob!"
Parsley and Smooch high-fived.
"Mew owe me one bag of primo catnip!" Smooch said with a satisfied smirk. "I told mew he'd know it."
Parsley laughed, "No problem, little buddy, I bow to your superior wisdom."
"Mew bet on me knowing that?" I asked incredulously.
They nodded and grinned.
'Could this day get any more bizarre,' I thought.
"Ok, we need a plan," I said swiftly. "We've got five weasels in blankets and Humphrey AWOL."
"Humphrey's not AWOL," Parsley interrupted. "He's MIA behind enemy lines."
We'd taken one small step when the prickly tendrils of apprehension began to creep all offur my skin, making my fur quiver with a life of its own as an icky crunching noise echoed through the warehouse.
I shone the torch all around the ceiling but saw nothing, then a big pile of goo splattered on the concrete floor a couple of yards away. We jumped back and screamed like gurls as we looked at the floor.
"Dude," Parsley whispered. "Mew don't think that was yard-dude number five, do mew?"
The light beam hit the floor as I looked at the steaming red, sloppy pile of goo and grimaced at a couple of tiny bones sticking out and what appeared to be the remains of entrails. The stench was like ten-day-old rotten flesh covered in a dollop of rank manure and was enough to make mew chuck, chunder, toss cookies, etc... anyhoo mew get the drift.
"Good job, we're in an arms warehouse then," Smooch smirked widely.
[Mew know sometimes I really wunder about him and his sanity-chip.]
"Get to it," I ordered. "We need some serious firepower like now."
Just as we ran fur the guns section, an eerie scuttling sound echoed around the building, like a supurr fast tip-tapping but with more than two legs; it was spine-tingling terrifying.
"Oh heck," I murmured as I saw shadowy movement in the gloom of the ceiling. Then I shouted as I ran fur cover. "We're gonna need bigger guns!"
* * *
Meanwhile, back at the bunker.
"Purredator One, this is Control, copy?" Snowie kept saying offur and offur into her comms unit.
Amber nudged her. "Snowie, he's either lost his comms or has decided to do something really stupid."
"Look, we've got to move that ticking parcel asap," Amber said. "Come on, I've got the trolley outside."
Amber fetched the wheeley platform trolley, and they both lifted the ticking box onto it with extreme care.
"Be supurr careful!" Amber warned as Snowie's paw suddenly slipped, and the trolley scooted away, careening down the corridor.
They chased aftur it and caught it just before it hit the end wall.
"Phew!" Snowie murmured. "That was close!"
"Too close," Amber agreed. "Now, let's get this hot tick-tocky item in the bomb disposal room like yesterday."
The extra-thick reinforced steel doors swooshed shut, and they both stood on the trolley and looked through the windows.
"Do mew think it's on a timer or..." Snowie paused and gulped. "A remote detonator?"
Amber shrugged. "Snowie, I'm sure I don't know, but if it's ticking, it can't be good."
"Well, at least it's in the most secure room in the bunker, so if it is remotely detonated or the timer counts down, hopefully we'll be ok," Snowie replied anxiously.
"Oh, we'll be fine if it goes off now," Amber reassured her. "I saw the schematics fur this room, and let me tell mew, Basil did a pawesome job. We've got no wurries."
Snowie gave her a weak smile and said. "That's ok then, now let's go see if Humphrey's back online."
* * *
The scuttling tip-tappy sounds got faster, louder and wurst of all, closer.
...the meanest big-ass spider in the known history of arachnids. And to make matters a gazillion times wurse I knew exactly when I'd seen it before.
'Oh fur freaking, freaking flips sake, can it get any wurse!' I thought.
"Smooch, Parsley!" I yelled urgently, suddenly realising they'd forked off down another aisle and weren't with me anymore.
No answer came, and my mind began to race as I sprinted towards the back of the warehouse, where I knew Dwight kept some rather tasty items in a special room behind a hidden door.
I carefully opened the secret door to the hidden room, hoping the hinges didn't creak and prayed that Parsley and Smooch had got armed to the teeth and were hiding out or purrparing an ambush.
Not bothering with the light switch, I just swung my torch beam around the room until I saw what I hoped was in there. The relief that flooded my system when I saw the furry thing I needed was beyond immense. I nearly whooped with joy as I snatched it from the wall. Noticing several armoured vests and night-vision goggles on a trellis table, I picked up the nearest vest and tried it on fur size.
"Purrfect fit," I mumbled and grabbed a set of night vision goggles.
As I got tooled up, Smooch and Parsley had dashed to the AK47 display table and got weaponed up and snagged as many spare clips as they could cram into a backpack they'd found. Huddling under the table, they peered through the gloom and saw the big-ass spider lowering supurr slowly from the ceiling. Green goo dripping from its ginormous fangs and sizzling as it splattered to the floor in little green blobs.
"Flipping freaking muther-fluffer, just look at the size of that behemoth... It looks rabid too!" Smooch gasped as he flicked the safety off his gun.
Parsley did the same and pointed his AK47 straight at the descending arachnid. "Ready when mew are Smooch!" he whispered. "We're going to fill that freaker with lead."
"On my mark," Smooch advised and took a steadying breath releasing it fully as his paw slowly squeezed the trigger. "Fire!"
Both guns unleashed a rain of bullets, but the big-ass spider seemed to manoeuvre effortlessly out of the way of the bullets and drop to the floor, scuttling at unnatural speed towards the back of the warehouse.
I heard the bullets and launched from the hidden room, feeling a little more protected in my flak-jacket and moved silently into the darkness. The gunfire ceased, and I heard Smooch call out. "Reload!"
A few moments later, I released the trigger on the flame thrower, yet the rain of bullets continued.
"New clip," Parsley yelled as the arachnids screams began to abate just a smidge.
"Me too!" Smooch yelled back and tossed a clip across the aisle.
There were two clicking sounds, and then bullets continued to puncture the sizzling, burning spider. I watched as they advanced closer, jumping down onto lower boxes and closer still until they were firing at nearly point-blank range.
"It is now!" Parsley grinned as he lowered his gun.