It took us a few minutes to locate a crane small enough to fit in the shed and then find some straps to secure them to as we hoisted the weasel dudes and Dwight safely to the ground.
"Yeah!" said a yard-dude, his voice shaking. "I've neffur been so scared in all my life... I couldn't move, scream or do anything..." he paused. "Actually, I did do something... I'm going to go get a hose and have a wash."
Smooch gave him a sympathetic smile and helped him up. "Come on," he said gently. "Anypurrdy else need a hose down?"
The three other yard-dudes made a move and followed Smooch outside.
Parsley and I remained as Dwight continued. "Those freaking nutty squirrels took effurything they could carry and stole one of the armoured Saracens and just took off, leaving us at the mercy of the big-ass arachnid freak!"
"Not good," Parsley murmured.
"I thought mew'd sold me out Dwight," I said.
The weasel looked at me sadly. "Basil, I would neffur sell mew out buddy, mew were my furst effur customer and have remained my best customer to this day," he took a breath and sighed deeply. "I'm so sorry that all this happened... those vermin pests got into my computer and took all of the info off, and that's how they must have found mew."
"But mew will neffur know how thankful I am that mew turned up today because if mew hadn't," Dwight paused. "We'd all have ended up like Scruff."
We turned and looked at the pile of red icky goop on the concrete floor.
"May mew rest in peace, Scruff," I said solemnly saluting to the remains of yard-dude number five.
"Oh, he was my best mechanic," Dwight sighed sadly, wiping a tear from his eye. "How will I tell his missus about this?"
"Dwight, mew will find the right wurds at the right time dude," I said softly.
Dwight wiped his eyes and sniffled loudly. "Your two young cadets are some rare fighting force; they were merciless," Dwight said, quickly changing the subject. "And that was genius to get the flame thrower Basil!"
I shrugged, and Parsley gave him a gentle smile.
"We did what anypurrdy else would have done," I answered.
Dwight shook his head. "No Basil, anypurrdy else would have run and left us to be spidey snacks," he answered resolutely. "Mew have honour. There's not many of us left with that trait today."
I nodded. "This is true Dwight, we are a rare breed bordering on extinction."
"Look, I know it's no consolation, but I am truly sorry that those squirrels found mew because of your connection with me, and I'll do anything to make it up to mew," said Dwight.
"Dwight, dude, buddy, mew were sadly a victim... or fur want of a better wurd a pawn in the P.I.T.H.'s game to get to me," I sighed heavily. "And mew lost one of your bestest yard-dudes due to their hatred fur me, but I will avenge Scruff, and I vow to mew that if it's that last thing I do, I'll take those P.I.T.H.-heads down and bury them."
Dwight nodded. "I know mew will."
"Yeah," Parsley agreed. "Dwight those P.I.T.H.-heads are toast dude, I'll make certain of it."
Dwight and Parsley paw-bumped, and Parsley gave him a vicious smile that freaked the fur off me.
I thought to myself, 'I must put some purrental controls on YouTube when this is all offur.'
At that moment, Smooch appeared with the remaining yard dudes, all smelling a lot fresher than before.
"What's happening?" he asked.
Dwight suddenly grinned and said. "I think mew need to come with me."
"OH MY COD!" Smooch breathed in awe as he scanned the room. "I want that one... that one... this one... some of those... that one... OH MY COD I want all of them!" he pointed like a cat possessed at all the firearms.
"Yeah, what he said!" Parsley added. "We'll take it all Dwight!"
The weasel laughed and said. "Guys, take the lot and go raise hell with my blessing," Dwight then yelled to his yard-dudes. "Axel, Blade, Bogey & Finch come get all these weapons and get plenty of ammo fur my pawesome furiends."
A few minutes later, we were out in the compound, and Smooch immediately ran towards a fire engine.
The two heathens looked at me like I was the biggest pawty-pooper in the known cosmos.
"Awwwwwww Basil, mew're no fun," Smooch complained.
"Yeah," agreed Parsley. "We were just getting warmed up!"
Dwight grinned at me and said. "Mew two can come have a weekend with me, and the yard-dudes aftur mew've dealt with eh P.I.T.H-heads, ok?"
Smooch and Parsley beamed excitedly. "Really, a whole weekend with guns, tanks, armoured vehicles and effurything?"
"Sure thing!" Dwight answered. "My compound is your compound, and I'll get the fire engine, trucks and jeep plus the surplus weapons and ammo put on a low-loader and delivered in a couple of days, ok?"
They nodded happily; in fact mew could almost feel the happies radiating from them.
"And the hummer is filled to the brim with as many weapons as Axel, and the guys could fit in with the ammo too of course," Dwight added.
Dwight and I paw-bumped as I climbed into the hummer. "Thanks dude," I said. "I'll be in touch and organise the weekend fur the heathens."
"See mew soon Dwight, and get the 50 cal ready!" Smooch said.
"Yeah, and the uzi's and H and K's, not fugetting the AK's too!" Parsley added.
Dwight and the yard-dudes waved as drove off, and I said. "Are mew two happy now?"
They turned and grinned at me like Cheshire cats. "Oh, we sure are!" they said in unison.
"Basil, Basil, come in!" Snowie said urgently.
"Snowie, are mew ok?" I answered as icily tendrils of dread made my hackles rise.
"Basil, we've got a situation," Snowie replied, her voice tense.
"Go ahead," I replied.
"I've just heard from Humphrey, and we've got five hostiles closing fast," she paused. "I repeat five hostiles closing fast!"
I took a moment before I said. "Where's Humphrey?"
"Purredator One is following them, but he's outnumbered," Snowie answered.
This was not good because if I knew Humphrey, five to one odds were just playtime fur him... in his mind... "Oh flip," I replied. "How long till they breach the Mewton-Clawson border?"
"Ten minutes tops," Snowie answered.
I thought about this fur a second as my paw pressed the accelerator all the way down to the floor. "We can't get back in time; we're still about forty minutes away!" I said, my voice edgy.
"What are we going to do?" Snowie asked; her voice was almost a squeak.
"She's getting weaponed up?" Snowie replied.
"Good, now get C.J. and tell him what's happening, he'll help," I said. "I need to make a call, and I'll be right back!"
I cut the connection with a tap of my paw. Smooch and Parsley looked at me with trepidation. "What's happening Basil?"
I relayed the info to them as quickly as I could, and they began to bristle. "So what now?" Parsley asked.
"I need to make this call!" I said and tapped my phone.
A moment later, I heard ringing.
Ring ring... ring ring... ring ring...
"You have reached Air Base Delta. How may I help you?" a voice said.
"This is Sleeper Agent Basil Widdairs number, two-seven-nine-three-five-eight. I need air assistance right now," I said urgently.
There was a pause on the line as I waited fur confirmation.
I was driving like a maniac when the voice said. "Agent Basil, we have confirmed your identity and location. Where do you need air support?"
"Mewton-Clawson!" I almost growled as my agitation got the better of me. "Let me pass mew to my next in command, and he'll give mew the coordinates."
Smooch and Parsley both grappled fur the phone. "But I'm number two!" Smooch griped as Parsley grabbed the phone.
I shook my head in dismay.
"This is Agent Basil's number two," Parsley said smoothly. "Mew can call me Purredator."
"Go ahead, Purredator," the voice replied.
"The coordinates are..." Parsley said, rambling off the longitude and latitude from memory.
"Copy that, Purredator," the voice replied. "Do you need airstrike?"
"Do we need airstrike?" Parsley asked me.
"Only if the P.I.T.H. attacks furst," I answered as I overtook another Sunday driver. "We don't really want to turn Mewton-Clawson into a civilian war zone if we can help it, but those squirrels are capable of anything right now."
"Air Base Delta, we require repeated fly offur until hostiles retreat," Parsley said. "Airstrike only if hostiles attack furst, I repeat airstrike only if hostiles attack furst."
"Copy that," the voice said. "Five fighter jets have been deployed eta in six minutes and thirty seconds."
I took a deep breath as I careened around several more Sunday drivers. Tapping my comms unit, I said. "Snowie, are mew there?"
"Basil, I'm here, Amber is up-top, and C.J. is getting armed to the teeth; even Horice is out!" she answered.
"I have air support coming. They will be with mew in just offur five minutes," I said quickly. "They will only fire if the P.I.T.H attack, so try not to engage as hopefully when they see my old air force crew they'll retreat."
"Copy that," Snowie said.
"Where's Humphrey?" I asked.
"He's gone dark!" she answered.
My heart sank at that because knowing Humphrey the way I do could only mean one thing, he was planning an ambush which was really, really, really bad news!
"Is there any way to contact him?" I said urgently, as a brainwave hit me like a shovel in the face. "Wait, get one of the robotic pigeons and send it with a message to him, telling him not to engage in a firefight and do it now, because if he starts shooting, the fighter jets are going to unleash hell."
I heard Snowie's gulp, and she squeaked. "Copy that. I'm on it!"
Gripping the steering wheel tighter, I clenched my teeth and drove like a cat out of hell.