**BRAND NEW** PARSLEY'S PECULIAR PROJECTS ~ RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT LABORATORY LEVEL 2 ~ EPISODE ONE

Parsley: no official science degree or qualifications ~ who cares, let's wing it ~ it'll be fine... probably! MOL

PARSLEY'S PURRCULIAR PROJECTS

Where Curiosity Meets Cat-astrophe

Hi guys! Parsley here! 

Finally, I've got my own post after months of thinking about what I should do, and then I had a literal MEW-REKA moment the other week, and I couldn't have been more shocked if Finestein himself casually strolled into the R & D lab on level two, dunked me in the orange slime and rolled me in catnip.

As many of mew know, Humphrey was the chief inventor at BBHQ, but as he spends a lot of his time at the Rainbow Realm with Posie and Snowie helping the new arrivals settle in, he said I could use his lab with the strict instructions of:

DO NOT BLOW UP THE BUNKER!

Of course, I'm not going to blow up the bunker - well, hopefully not; Basil would be really mad if I did! MOL 

Anyhoo, the R & D lab has been feeling a little neglected lately, so I wandered in there the other day to see what Humphrey had left behind. And what did I find? The teaspoon named Clarity ... the very spoon that helped me dig my way out of four metric floofs of sentient glitter.

"Oh yes," I thought as my grin widened. "Now this is the lab I've been looking for!" MOL

📝HUMPHREY'S HELPFUL NOTES📝

Humphrey left me all his notes, which was incredibly helpful.

Well, I say notes.

I opened one of the desk drawers and found an anti-gravity spatula, a quantum stapler, eighteen warning labels and a note saying:

DO NOT EVER PRESS THE BLUE BUTTON.

Of course, I had to press it.

In my defence, if mew really don't want somepawdy pressing a button, making it large, blue and extremely pressable seems like a serious design flaw.

Anyhoo, after the alarms stopped and gravity returned to approximately where it belonged, I decided it was time to get to work.

Basil said, “Don't build anything dangerous today.”

Which felt a bit limiting.

So obviously, I completely ignored that and immediately embarked on some extraordinary discoveries, gadgets and gizmos. Are mew ready to see today's incredible invention? 

The Incredible Idea

Today, I thought we'd begin with something I've already built.

Some of mew may remember this little invention from Melvyn's Mewsings, Series Two, Episode 1, when our youngest B Team memfur and newly qualified librarian was dealing with some particularly nervous sentient scrolls in the Library Archive on Level Six.

There was a problem.

Squeaky footwear.

Apparently, jumpy scrolls don't appreciate it.

Who knew?

📜 Why the Scrolls React So Dramatically 📜

Sentient scrolls are extremely sensitive to sudden noises. A single squeaky boot can cause:
spontaneous unrolling
alphabet reshuffling
dramatic punctuation

random hissing
and, in one incident, a rogue chapter break

Luckily, I'd already devised a solution.

🛠️ PURRCULIAR PROJECT #001

THE AUTO-SHOE-SOFT DEVICE ~ A.SS.D.

The problem: Heavy and/or noisy footwear entering the Library Archive was startling the sentient scrolls.

My solution: Automatically detect incoming footwear, assess its potential for unnecessary squeakage, and deploy the appropriate softening treatment before allowing entry.

Simple.

Well... It was simple, and then I improved it even more!!! MOL

It can classify footwear on a completely unnecessary scale:

SLIPPER - SAFE - USUALLY ALL THE TIME
TRAINER - ACCEPTABLE MOST OF THE TIME - MILD MUFFLING
BOOT - SOFTENING REQUIRED MODERATE MUFFLING
ARMY BOOT - EXTREME SOFTENING - FOR MAXIMUM MUFFLING
UNKNOWN FOOTWEAR - INITIATE FLOOF

It only takes moments and below mew can see the different stages.

The really nifty thing is that even though the coverings are supurr soft and squeak-free. They're completely non-slip on any surface; reducing slippage so ideal for any situation, and the added bonus is, they keep your paws warm too! MOL

How the A.SS.D. Actually Works

(According to The Manual)

The Auto‑Shoe‑Soft Device uses a highly advanced, completely disproportionate multi‑sensor array to detect incoming footwear. It scans for:

Weight (heavy boots = high-risk)

Material (leather = suspicious, rubber = unpredictable, floof = safe)

Noise Potential (measured in Squeak Units, or SUs)

Scroll Startle Probability (SSP), which is always higher than mew’d expect

Once the device identifies the footwear type, it cross‑references Humphrey’s old “Footwear Hazard Index,” which he definitely made up, and then decides whether to apply mild muffling, moderate floofing, or full‑scale Maximum Floof Deployment.

So really, the A.SS.D. is less an invention and more a public safety measure.

The footwear coverings are easily removable by a second device as mew exit the library archive.

And please don't think that every time the coverings are removed they're destined for landfill.

Oh no!

I thought of that.

The covers are fully recyclable within the Auto-Shoe-Soft system.

The removal device sucks the used coverings straight into a sealed Floof Recovery Canister. Once it's full, I extract the canister and take it back to the main machine, where it slots into the Eco-Floof Reclamation Unit ~ E.F.R.U. at the rear.

The used coverings are then shredded, de-fluffed, sanitised, re-fluffed, molecularly de-squeaked and processed back into fresh floof material.

Well, that's what the manual says. (I wrote the manual.)

Once recycling is complete, I remove the freshly refilled Eco-Floof Cartridge and slot it into the main dispensing bay, ready to floof the next pair of excessively noisy boots.

Waste: virtually zero.

Startled scrolls: also virtually zero.

Unexpected static floof incidents: classified.

See? I don't just think about science, I think about the planet too! MOL 

💭 CLOSING THOUGHTS 💭

My Auto-Shoe-Soft Device is, in my humble opinion, an extremely well-thought-out and executed invention. Also, I'm hoping that in the very near future, the hugely popular home-shopping network, Finnicky Felines, or FF-TV, will want to stock the domestic version!

Coming soon to a TV near mew! 

 Final Conclusions

Project Status: Successful.
Scrolls startled: 0
Footwear unexpectedly floofed: 7 pairs
Damage to BBHQ: Negligible
Basil's approval: Reluctantly granted

🛠️ Success: ★★★★☆
💥 Explosions: 1 (Unrelated)
😾 Basil's Patience: 42%
🧹 Cleanup Required: Yes

🔬 Would I do it again? Absolutely!

For Episode 2, I've got an epic idea for an Automated Biscuit Dunker.

Basil says I don't need one. I think he's missing the point, entirely!

In the meantime, question everything, and if somepawdy puts a large blue button in front of mew with a sign saying DO NOT PRESS... well...

Mew know what to do! MOL

Keep those whiskers curious and your footwear appropriately floofed, and don't forget to...

... and moderately cautious!

Parsley

Chief Innovation Officer and Accident Investigator

Click here to go to Episode 2 ~ link coming later

🛠️ Disclaimer 💥

BBHQ accepts no responsibility for spontaneous levitation, sentient kitchen appliances, glitter-related anomalies, or tactical cutlery. All experiments performed under the snoopervision of a qualified cat. (Results may vary.)

 

💥Copyright Notice 🛠️

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